intrigue ' sirius [editing]

xvi. longing

chapter
↳ sixteen
moodboard
↳ sirius is feeling a bit gray

-

"I thought you'd be in here," Millie muttered, one hand around a mug of cocoa and the other pushing Sirius' bedroom door open.

The latter had hidden away just minutes earlier, after James brought out the fire whiskey. And sure, it was nearly the start of a new year and he should be celebrating with his friends, but he couldn't bring himself to. They wouldn't remember if he was there or not anyway.

As soon as he had gotten a whiff of alcohol, Sirius had run up here. He knew guests were using his bed at the moment, but he really just needed the comfort of his own room. He needed to be reminded that he had a room, and it was with the Potters, not with his parents.

"I brought you cocoa," Millie spoke even softer this time, closing the door behind her before gently placing the mug down on the nightstand. "Are you alright?"

Sirius wanted nothing more than to hide under his scarlet colored blanket and forget the world and everything in it. Only Millie was here, talking to him, and he didn't want her to think he was upset with her.

Sure, the first few days after the kiss were awkward, considering Sirius was head over heels for Millie and Millie just did it for fun. But they were still friends, and he didn't want to jeopardize that just because of his wounded pride.

He scooted over to the other side of the bed and lifted the covers, inviting Millie to snuggle under them with him. She did, her cold feet soon finding Sirius' warm calves. He glared at her and jerked his legs away, a slight whine in his voice. "You're cold."

"I know, right? I need socks or something."

"You can't wear socks to bed, Millie. It's against the law."

"No it isn't," Millie giggled, and just to spite him she did it again and pushed her cold feet onto his warm skin. "Now tell me what's bothering you. Is it the kiss? Was I too good and you just can't stop thinking about it?"

She was joking, but she was also completely right. Sirius figured she'd kick him if he said so, so he chose to tell her the other reason he had taken shelter in his room. "I don't like the smell of alcohol. It reminds me of bad memories."

Millie shifted until she was on her side, facing him. "I understand. I have a lot of bad memories from home too. The weirdest things will set them off. Like, I can't even look at gummy worms because the first time my mother yelled at me I was eating them. It was the first time she had ever called me a disappointment. When she said I wasn't a part of the family unless I denounced my Hogwarts house. So I did, at least while I was at home. Now even the smell of gummy worms makes me hate myself and my family."

Sirius turned on his side as well, eyes trailing over Millie's face. She looked beautiful in the dim lighting of his room. He focused on the softness of her eyes, and how they looked almost amber in the dark. "Have you ever thought of running away? Living with Demetria or something?"

"I can't just leave Benji like that. It'd be cruel," Millie said, then she stopped when she noticed the shift in Sirius' features. "I didn't mean it like that— Your situation is different."

"I begged him to come with me," Sirius said. He never thought he'd admit it to anyone. He had tried so hard all this time to shut his brother out; his family out. But every time he remembered how close he had gotten to taking Regulus with him, he felt discouraged and overwhelmingly guilty. "He was going to, but my mom got to him before he could. She has this way with words, and Regulus has never been able to figure out when someone is lying to him."

"I wish he had gone with you," Millie said ruefully, "I wish he had been kinder, and I wish we didn't have to break it off." Then she laughed, "This is ridiculous. I'm literally in bed with my ex-boyfriend's brother, talking about said ex-boyfriend."

Sirius grinned and reached forward, risking the task of brushing a strand of Millie's hair behind her ear. "We can talk about something else, like how we're gonna get Demetria and Benji together."

Millie averted her eyes to the red sheets, "They keep avoiding it. It's so painfully obvious that they like each other and yet they won't take that next step. They're both too insecure. Especially Benji. Merlin, he needs some confidence tips."

Sirius closed his eyes and inhaled softly. He was getting too tired to keep talking. Still, he continued to speak, wanting to keep Millie as close to him as possible for as long as possible. "We try all the time to give him tips. He says that none of them will work since none of us have gotten proper dates since, like, fourth year."

Millie giggled. "He's got a point."

"What, it's our fault that we all fall in love with the stubborn ones?"

"All of you? Do you actually have a crush on someone?" Millie smirked at him, and the look was just enough to almost make him confess.

However, she made it clear that she didn't like him like that. And she had just broken up with his brother, of all people. So he had to be respectful. If she ever liked him, he'd need to be patient and wait for her to confess to him.

Or if she didn't like him, he'd need to be patient and learn how to get over her. He could start by keeping her around as a friend, close to him but far enough away for him to dispose of his feelings if he needed.

"We should go for a smoke together sometime," Millie said randomly, changing the subject that obviously had Sirius feeling awkward.

"Did you just suggest a friend activity to a Gryffindor?" Sirius teased, eyes still partly closed.

He heard Millie shuffled out of the bed. She had done her job. She had comforted him, something she was amazingly good at. Now she was leaving him to join the festivities below, not having any idea just how much Sirius appreciated her. No idea at all.
"We should be friends, Sirius," was her last whisper, "I'm done hating people for the mistakes my parents have made."

With a smile painted on his face, Sirius went to sleep, the smell of cherries lulling him into a peaceful dream.

-

lol i'm back sooner than i thought i'd be

i was originally going to skip to their return to Hogwarts but i needed this small scene to explain why both sirius and millie act the way they do in future chapters ;D