Unwanted Love

Holding on to the past

The work day has finally ended and all I need is a bottle of wine , good food and some peace. So I go to the supermarket pick up a bottle of red wine let's make that two bottles of wine because who knows what's going to happen.

I get home take a bath prepare some pasta, get my bottle of wine and lounge on the sofa.

I say to myself "Today's been a hard confusing day."
It's has been a while since I've been on my own but somehow time hasn't healed much. I mean I want to move on find love again but my heart isn't in the position to be broken again. I knew what I had with Victor at least I thought I knew. I had invested time and dreams for a future together. He knew what I liked, he knew my patterns maybe he knew them too well since he cheated on me. But he knew me this was the man I thought I was going to marry, build a life with a future.

How can you go from that to nothing and then into something else. I can't do it, this bad experience has made me scared to try again and made me hard to love. I liked it that way but I could admit sometimes I get lonely sometimes I even wish victor was here so I could share his company as idiotic it seemed but this wasn't easy to let go.
I remember friends saying "just forget about him, let go he isn't worth if",
I knew they were right but I couldn't let him go that easily. I had gone through a viscous cycle with myself. I had to learn to live without him each day brought a new task some harder than the others but I was making baby steps. I wasn't going to allow another man to destroy the progress I was making. I'd let childish infatuations disappear from my mind.

Even if it meant blocking Christian out I wasn't going to allow myself to get hurt again.

I turn on some jazz music and began reading my emails to keep my mind busy.

So I tidied for bed. Tomorrow was a new day , each day the inner battle got intense and I had to learn to conquer my mind and soul again.

I had to start cutting past memories.
To heal me.
Slowly I drifted to sleep