The Depths of Depression

The Steps (unedited)

Nakakapagod umiyak. Nakakapagod mag mukhang matapang. Nakakapagod magmura sa reyalidad.

Ako nga pala si Vairez. Nagsimula ang depresyon ko when I was in Grade 8. Worst year ever. Doon nagdecide si Lord na ihagis sakin ang lahat ng mga matitinding pagsusubok sa panahong iyon. But I can't carry alone the heavy burden. Kaya ayon, I suffered from depression. Oh wait.

I am suffering from depression.

Is sadness depression? Nope. Kung sadness, isang shoo-shoo lang mawawala na. Ganun, happy ka na. Kapag depression, long term to eh. Loyal na loyal yan sayo at napa clingy. Sa sobrang pagka-clingy ng depression ay nasasakal na ako. Nakakamatay ito. Literally.

When you're depressed, you would doubt yourself and ask yourself, "Ano nga ba ang role ko sa mundong ito?" "What's my purpose?" And that's where negative thoughts starts to creep in. Yeah, sadako-like. Mawawala ang confidence mo. Then you'll label yourself as worthless. Useless. Trash. Unworthy of love. Of happiness.

That's where you start to build up the walls instead of bridges. Dito, ihihiwalay mo ang sarili mo sa iba, you don't want to bother others. Because you think of yourself as some kind of a deadly disease. Na kapag may lumapit ay mahahawa ito sa depresyon mo. It's either that or  you're scared of the judgemental people na nagchichismis sa labas ng mga pader mo.

Next is the pretending. The 'putting on a facade'. You put on a happy mask kahit umiiyak ka sa loob. Is it to show them that you're strong? Say hello to insecurities. "Bakit kasi hindi ako katulad niya?" Or you just don't want your family to worry? Ang problema kasi dito, you keep on painting your face with different colors, different facades hanggang nawala na ang totoong ikaw. Natakpan na. But don't worry, it's still there. You just need to wash the paint away para makilala ulit ang totoong iyo.

Sadly, iilan lang ang kayang gawin to.

And this is the scariest part...

Suicidal thoughts.

Realized that self is useless? Check.
Seperated self from others? Check.
Noticed the crack on self's mask? Check.

World's worst bucketlist ever.

At dito na naiisip ang pagpapakamatay. Hanging, jumping from a high place, pills, cutting, etc. You would say, "Bakit ba ako mabubuhay kung wala naman akong silbi?" No one loves you anymore. Walang may pake kung lulundag ka sa building. Well, except for the reporters I guess.

Lahat ng failures, mistakes and my dear friend, negative thoughts, ay guguluhin ang utak mo. Ginulo na nga ang mga emosyon mo, dinamay pa ang mental health. Hindi talaga makuntento.

How to cope with depression? I don't actually know. Sarili mo lang ang makakaalam kung paano. Kasi sa huli, ikaw pa rin ang tutulong sa sarili mo. Yung iba? Extra lang yan na nagtutulak sayo either sa isang building o patungo sa tamang daan.

To those who recovered... To those who faced your depression, I envy you. Because I always run away from my problems. Tinatakasan ko ang impyernong tinatawag na depresyon. I always try to escape the reality. That's why I'm being punished right now by bigger problems. Hayy.

This ends the rant for today.