pandemonium and shattered glass hearts.

chapter 2.

pandemonuim and shattered glass hearts, chapter 2.

Pandemonuim and shattered glass hearts; chapter 2.

Chapter 2. 

Luce’s pov. 

Disaster, chaos, pandemonium. Whatever it’s called, I couldn’t stop it going full speed through my head. 

It makes me dizzy, going faster and faster until I just can’t focus on a thing.

“My head spins like a carousel, 

Im stuck on the fast track,

Headed straight to hell.”

Despite being surrounded by people my whole life, being surrounded by attention, I’ve never felt so alone. It’s almost as though the girl that was reaching out to me, her hands shaking me awake, has wrapped those fingers around my throat and they’re so tightly interlocked that I can’t breathe. 

And yet even though I’ve always been surrounded, I’ve never really had anyone that truly cares. Maybe that’s what scared me so much, just the intimacy of one touch seems to smother me, until the walls fall in. 

Its freezing in here, the sun just rising. In the pale light I can see a faint tinge of my reflection in the bathtub edge.

It takes a while, but soon my hands stop shaking, and I can stand again, gaining the confidence to sneak back into bed. The girl who reached out to me is asleep, her covers pulled over her head. Good, I can’t face her. 

I manage to fall asleep, and thank god I never have nightmares when it’s light.

“these dreams won’t leave me alone, 

disaster and pain, 

are now what I call home”

It’s saturday, so when I wake up I have no idea what time it is, or how long I’ve slept. But on the little table beside my bed I notice a pretty china teacup. My first thought, as usual, is to smash it, and use the sharp edges to draw more blood. 

But even the thought of blood right now disgusts me, I’m still so ashamed of what I did last night. It’s weird, I never usually get ashamed, maybe it has something to do with the reaching girl. 

I can’t know for sure, but I think she may have put the teacup there. It’s the nicest thing anyone has ever given me, I won’t smash it.

Jess’s pov

I can’t stop looking at people now, after last night i’m so aware of what people can do. Every wrist I see I wonder if they’ve ever bought a blade to it. I can’t help but think about what’s hidden behind every smile. 

I’ll admit, this is a whole new world that’s opened up for me, I’ve never been anywhere except the world I was bought up in.

With a name like Jess, straight brown hair and hazel eyes, I’ve never been anyone but just another girl in the crowd. My parents? They’re both Christians, both have normal jobs, normal haircuts, normal lives. And all I’ve ever known is what they’ve shown me.

But today is a new world, almost like a new beginning. And yet my whole focus seems to be mostly undivided on Luce. I left her a cup of tea this morning before I left, I couldn’t think of any other way to say what I wanted to. Not that I actually know what I want to say, and even then, I could never say it.

Last night, she seemed scared of my touch, as though she’d never been touched before. 

I want to change that.

Despite spending my whole day in the city, by the time late afternoon comes around I couldn’t be more afraid to leave. I hate the bus ride back, it’s always full of groups of giggling girls, all best friends, hugs, and huge smiles. 

And then there’s me, I sit alone. Always. They never include me in the general chatter, never let me in. We’ve all gone through school together, why now when we’re 17, must they be so immature. They tease me, make me feel so worthless. 

By the time we get back, I’m exhausted. I never show them I’m sad, and it always leaves me totally wrung out, and beyond tears. 

All I really want is to shower and them go to sleep, but Luce is out, and I’m far too curious.

Her book is still where I left it last night, but I can’t tell if she’s added anything new or not. I flick it to a random page, and start to read. 

‘4/7/11;

Promises are not meant to be broken, ever. Yet I break them, every single one. I can’t help it, it’s like the promise is a little bit of explosive, and the longer I keep it, the less safe I feel. 

I miss you, if I’d have known this would happen with a broken promise, I would have rather blown myself up. 

Every breath without you sends ice cold needles through my heart, it’s all my fault. 

I’m so sorry’

Only once the book is back safely can I breath again, that entry was written just last year. It scared me, but the way she wrote was just so beautiful. 

I breath in deeply, and it’s almost as though I can feel little icy needles myself, and it scares me even more