ᴋᴍᴛᴛᴘ | ғᴀᴄᴋ

21 ☜

Monday, January 5th, 2018.

-finn-

every session ended the same way, with Jordan asking me my number for the day. one to ten, how are you feeling today?
i usually keep my number at about a six or seven so I don't bother anyone, I know it would break my brother's heart if I said anything lower, but I can't get his hopes up by saying anything higher.

nick wasn't around a lot, but he was around enough to know the situation, and he was very sympathetic towards me. He knew mom had her moments, so he always made sure to ask me if I was alright, this has always made me feel the care that I didn't get from my mom.

"Six " I answered, Jordan sighed, she ran her fingers through her hair. "We need to start making some improvements, Finn," She said while I played with my fingers. "Sorry," i muttered under my breath, she sighed again. she did that a lot.

"You haven't been anything higher than a six or a seven in a while; so what are some more things that make you happy?" Jordan asked. My eyes traveled around the room, she had a weird decorating style, but it suited the room.

"Finn?" she asked, I shot my gaze at her. "yea?" I asked, "what are some more things that make you happy?" she restated. Jack.

"um- I don't know," I answered. jack. "I'm gonna need more help than that," she said, I chuckled. It's weird, I've been seeing Jordan for a while now, and I've gotten over this before, but right now I feel like I can't talk to her.

"Please. Finn. Do this for yourself," she begged. It's sad, I wish I could do more for her, but I know it's only her job to help me; she wouldn't be trying this hard if it weren't. "Sorry," I said again, "don't be sorry, all I ask is for you to want to help yourself," she insisted, I hesitantly looked around again.

"I met someone a while ago," I blurted out, I didn't want her to be sad. Her face lit up with excitement, "what's her name?" she gushed, I giggled, "His name is jack."

"Oh my, I'm so sorry for assuming," Jordan apologized, I shrugged it off. "You're fine- He's super sweet. He makes me very happy... I wish I could be more for him, though," I sighed, she shook her head. "You are enough, Finn. For your family, for your friends, for me, for jack."

"but what if i'm not? what if i stress jack out with all my shit?" i cried, jordan sighed again. " if he really cares for you, he'll understand. don't let him be like your last relationship," she said. right. my last relationship. we aren't going to get into that.

"please, don't bring that up," i begged, i began playing with my hands again. "right, sorry. what did you mean by 'all of your shit'?" she asked, i shrugged. jordan gave me a disbelieving look before i crumbled.

"i mean my disorder. my hurt. my self-loathing, all of it," i answered, jordan looked at me with sadness draped across her gaze.

"time's up Finn," jordan said, i looked at the clock with relief. "go easy on yourself, okay? i'll see you soon," she gets up and shakes my hand, i give her a faint smile before walking out of her office.

my brother was waiting anxiously for me in the waiting room, i gave him the same smile that i gave to jordan before we silently walked out to the car, we still aren't used to this.

it was when we stopped in a random parking lot that i knew something was up, "how was today's session?" nick asked me, i stared out of the windshield for a bit longer before turning to look at him.

"it was okay... why?" i questioned, he faintly smiled. "Mom called me crying today," nick answered, but that didn't help me. "what did she say?" I asked. "She said some things about you, why didn't you tell me?" Nick rested his forehead on the steering wheel of his car.

"I don't know what you're talking about." I swallowed hard. Nick sighed, his shoulders slumped over. "About... about steve," he said. i froze. there was something about people mentioning their knowledge of steve that really punched me in the gut.

"w-what about him?" i asked whilst trying to push aside any suspicion he might have from any other reaction.

"he... you let him hit you?" my breath hitched. why would my mom tell nick that? i didn't think she knew... why hasn't she helped me? doesn't she love me? i'm her son, she's supposed to protect me.

"no... he doesn't hit me," i said, nick lifted his head off of the steering wheel to look at me with disbelief. "don't feed me your bullshit, finn. i can see right through you," he groaned. i played with my hands in my lap, we sat in silence for a while.

"why does he do it?" nick asked. don't tell him. he won't love you anymore. you'll be all alone. being gay is wrong. you're disgusting. poof.

"he just um- doesn't like me..." i stuttered, nick tapped his foot anxiously. "i'm gay," i murmured, nick's eyes widened, he stared at me for a moment.

"you're... gay?" he asked, "he hits you because... you're gay?"

"yeah, that's all." with my head in my hands, i was breathing heavily, trying not to cry. it was out there, nick could pull a 360 and hate me. this was it.

"finn that's awful. i'm so sorry," nick shook his head, "i wish i still lived at home so i could do something about it."

"please don't tell anyone," i begged, he looked at me with curiosity. "they'd get arrested... and you aren't in the best situation right now, meaning i couldn't live with you," i said, he nodded his head in understanding.

"okay little bro, but please call me if it gets bad, you can always stay with me for a couple of days." i nodded my head and smiled, nick has always made me feel safe.