ᴋᴍᴛᴛᴘ | ғᴀᴄᴋ

43 ☜

thursday, February 3rd, 2018.

-jack-

it's been a week since I've seen finn, and all i can do is think about him; i can't stop wondering how he's been, is he getting better? is he getting worse? my questions were answered when i opened the door this morning to finn sitting on my front porch after the doorbell rang. he turned around slowly, "hey," he said, i gulped.

"Hey," i replied after shutting the door and sitting down next to him. "how are you doing?" i asked, he looked down at his lap. "better- i think," he answered. "you think?" i asked, he nodded his head.

"so- what are we?" he looked up at me when i asked, a hurt expression covered his face. "i meant what i said," he said, i nodded, but still looked at him for answer, "but i love you." i felt my heart skip a beat, but i love you, those are the words i wanted to hear.

"I love you too," I responded, he shook his head. "I don't know what to do, Jack. Loving you is one of the best and worst experiences I've had in my life so far, how do I let you go? How do I keep you around? You leaving would hurt like hell, but you staying isn't any different. It's not your fault, how I feel. It's mostly my head convinsing me that I'm not good for you. You don't need me, all i've done is drag you down. you've brought me up and down, is it selfish of me to not be able to let you go when i know it's what's best for you? am i being a bad person? i don't know. how am i supposed to know? we never talk anymore, but it always feels like you're with me because of your support. i don't do that for you, do i. i make everything about myself, ive never even considered to ask you if you're okay, ive never thought about asking you about, well, you. what am i supposed to do? everything is so fucked right now, i don't know what to do with myself."

"finn, i-" i tried to speak, i tried to respond, but he continued talking. "how am i supposed to be a good boyfriend when my parents are constantly beating down on me now? how am i supposed to be there for you when i'm spending weeks in the hospital? how am i supposed to comfort you and tell you that it's going to be okay when that would only make me a hypocrite? i love you, and i want to be the type of person you can be around, but i can't. that isn't me. what happens if i go through a really bad episode and end up being hospitalized for months, how would that make you feel? i don't want to put you through that. i'm so problematic. you'll get tired of taking care of me twenty four-seven, all i am is work. loving me is work. and for me, living is work. what do i do? what do i do? what if i end up dead and-"

"stop it!" i screamed, finn looked up at me with a blank expression, "you aren't going to die, you've got your entire life ahead of you."

"that's the thing! i don't! jack, don't you realize that bpd is chronic? i will forever live with what's crippling me! i cant live like this. and... i can't push that onto you. i can't let it cripple you too, i can't wear you down like i have with myself. i'm sorry, jack, but i have to go," he said as he stood up shakily, that's when i noticed it. finn didn't seem to be getting better, he stumbled as he stood, his arms were thinner than before, and his sweatshirt seemed like it was thrown over glass. finn's collar bones poked out mockingly and his neck was very small.

"you can't just push everyone away, that's not how that works. you keep putting everyone's happiness before your own, how am i supposed to sit back and watch you do this to yourself? don't you think that's more painful for me?" i asked, finn studied my face before turning around and walking to his car.

"don't forget what you're leaving behind!" i yelled out of spite, i knew it was wrong, but i couldn't help myself. i thought maybe he'd turn around, but he just visibly winced and continued to climb into his car before driving away.