ᴋᴍᴛᴛᴘ | ғᴀᴄᴋ

59 ☜

thursday, march 1st, 2018.

-jack-

there was a time i felt as if the world wasn't beautiful; i believed that life was full of pain, chaos, loss, etc., and though this is sometimes the case, it isn't always bad. finn is my pain, my chaos, my loss. he makes these emotions beautiful to me again.

when i think of finn, i think of the word heaven and what it means. a place, state, or experience of extreme bliss. this boy, he is my heaven.

pain: finn brings me the type of pain that is everyone's guilty pleasure, he keeps me on the edge all of the time, i never know what to expect, it's painful but i love it.

chaos: finn is definitely chaotic, but it's a part of him that i love, like the other parts. chaos isn't always bad, our love is chaotic. we get into fights, we argue, etc., but that shows effort. this is a sign that we are good, because if he didn't care, he wouldn't be putting in the effort to be fighting with me, he would just leave, and that warms my heart.

loss: it's no secret that i feel a tremendous amount of loss while with finn, i feel like he's slowly  slipping away from me into some black hole. it stings. it burns. my heart flutters for moments when finn and i are together and i am reminded that there is no black hole, we are in a room together, he is there. he is not being pulled away by some ominous abyss. loss is a feeling that at some point brings relieving closure, and i live for that shit.

i live for finn sleeping on me, like now. he looks at peace even with everything that's probably going on in his head while he's awake. i can only imagine the pain he's in. there's that word again. pain. not all pain is good pain, his is not good.

i wanted to wake him up, i wonder what he's dreaming about... or maybe he's having a nightmare. i hope not. finn began to stir, he slowly woke up.

"jack...?" he questioned sleepily, i smiled. "yea, it's me." he looked at me for a moment as if he was trying to render where he was, there was a slight look of fear in his eyes before he knew it was me that he was with.

"are you alright?" i asked softly as i rubbed his arm, he nodded hesitantly. "i just had a dream-or a nightmare- or i remembered something- of noah. it was weird, it was from when we were hanging out in the woods, but what happened with the tea happened in the woods but without the tea and... it was freaky."

"you're not with noah, you're here with me. just remember that he can't hurt you anymore, you're safe. he can't reach you, he can't touch you," i whispered, finn rested his head back on my shoulder after grabbing the bottle of carmel vodka i had brought.

"what time is it?" finn yawned after taking a sip of the sweet yet thick liquid. "uhh-" i picked up my phone and checked the time, "it's 3:23 a.m.," i responded, finn groaned.

"you were just sitting there letting me sleep for that long?" he asked, i simply nodded. i would do anything for him, so this was the least i could do.

"we should probably head back," finn said as he attempted to get up, but i gently pulled him back down. "sit- you obviously don't really wanna leave, and you have barely even drank! who are you and what have you done with finn?" i jokingly questioned, which made finn smile.

"okay, okay." i watched as finn brought the bottle to his lips, before taking a drink, he picked up a sprite and sat in next to him just in case. he tipped the bottle back and i could already see the look of pleasure on his face. slowly, as finn brought the bottle back down, he looked at me.

"what are we doing?" he asked, i tilted my head in confusion. "i mean- why do we do terrible shit to ourselves, and let terrible things happened to us?" he asked, i sat on this thought for a moment, i truly pondered it.

"because we accept the love we think we deserve," i responded, he looked at me and rolled his eyes. "no book references," he rolled his eyes, i laughed.

"seriously, we've been through so much. and why? for what?" he asked. "for each other. for ourselves. we go through and put up with that shit because it's the easiest solution, and we think nobody will get hurt except for us. it's selfless," i responded with a sigh, i looked off into the darkness that was a blanket to the trees around us.

"people are stupid," finn concluded, i nodded my head in agreement and watched as he took another drink. we- and when i say we i really mean he and i watched- drank and talked until the sun rose, the darkness was gone.

"thank you for this," finn slurred, he turned around and kissed my cheek. finn slumped and fell over, i caught him and kissed his head, he had fallen asleep again. what an idiot. i smiled and laid down so finn's head was on my chest, i wonder if he's listening to my heart beat like a humming bird's.