My mind wanders through the deserted surroundings of my haunted psyche. It shows memories of the past, flashes of anger, shock, pain. They stay, straying through my frayed emotions so much that the pain becomes 3rd degree numb. My body moves but like a zombie on the hunt i have no purpose to live. I am undead. Ironic knowing my calling to be with the one i will have no more keeps me trapped here. I stay in my void of swirling, frenzied emotion. Its been a few weeks since her birthday. Since the knowledge that shes not here on the day of her birth once more. Its been months though since the fateful day I lost her. The memory etched into my aching spirit for an eternity.
Waking to the horror of distant choking. My heart beating faster as I run into her room and see her, gasping. The pain in her eyes, one she cant hide from me as she takes breath after ragged breath. The shock as my heart stop with the thud of my mothers body hitting the bathroom floor. The blurry of colors as my shaking hands dial 911, and the fury of hearin I have to wait to get my loving mother help. My screams as I call to a sweet mother on the floor unable to answer me. Her moans, horrrific moans that will forever haunt me.
Red, a color I had always admired for its daring beauty. A stream of red that flows from her pink lips. Each drip posioning me further with an anger and greif irreplaceable. The fury as i watch them leave her side, her heart gone for 45 minutes. Unable to stay beating a moment longer. My bones, putty in my body, i fall for her, hope leaving as fast as that gory white cloth covers her body.The daggers that puncture my form in that room, as hands pull me from the ground and into what would be loving arms. But they arent hers. They never will be hers again. I push and shove but the arms hold me firm. I want her. My mother. Mommy. My only mommy. Gone from me for WHAT?! A mother who worked hard day and night holding in pain and stress for me and shes dead!
The burdens I carry knowing my mother is lost and saved, but gone from me. And im selfish, but i miss her. Her smile and laugh echo in my mind, and my heart breaks as I hear the similar around the town. I am nothing but an existence. A simmering pot of I dont care anymore. I want her, want her warm hugs and her soft voice whispering Doodah in my ear. My name, for her to call me that name again. But I have to wait to see her. So I do. I pack up my fragile heart and bar it, fill it with stone morter and force myself into a seamless portrait.
But you dont care right? I'm just another girl woth another story and another emo girl with another problem. Im not you right? I dont know your life story? And your right. I dont. But use mine as a lesson. Dont spend your life wishing you could say I love you to someone before they are lost. You could be like me. Broken. With a new name.
Pain.
-Charebear15
