Me and him (dating my dads best friend)

53

It all happened so fast so why am I replaying it in my head in slow motion.

I keep seeing the brown Oxford shoes tapping against the bed as the sheet moved beneath them. The way his arms spasmed out of control as his body thrashed.  His eyes almost pop from his head, almost like the infamous scene off game of thrones.

I can see the people around me scream but I can't hear them all I hear is his trapped breath.  The way he looked at me as he hung from the light fitting. His face changing shade, I don't see who releases him to the bed. I hear his breathing become more regular as he chokes against his reatraints.

Someone holds me and turns me away, all the girls are crying but I haven't shed a single tear. My eyes are the Sahara, they feel as barren as my soul. I'm in shock, it's not a regular occurrence to find your ex lover attempting suicide in your room. Thank god for that.

I don't know how but I'm sat on the top stair with Kennys arms around my shoulder. Paramedics rush by and head in to my room but I don't look behind me.

I see joes desperate eyes as he's carried past me and to the awaiting ambulance. I'm still in a trance, I grab my shaking dog from Kelly's arms and wonder down the stairs. I walk to my car and unlock it before Kenny leads me to the passenger side and takes the keys from my grasp.

I can see him talking to me out of the corner of my eye but I can't find the will to listen or even look at him. I focus my attention on the road ahead.

I had been at my Grans when Joe had sent me a message saying he had left a gift on my bed. Kenny had be m furious and had insisted we head straight back to dispose of the unwanted gift. Him hanging above the place I sleep was hardly the gift I had been expecting. He had waited to kick the stool until I opened the door, he wanted me to witness his struggle. He wanted me to save him, or maybe he wanted me to feel guilty like I had drove him to it.

If it had not been for Kenny he would have died, I wasn't strong enough to lift him and free him from the rope.

"Where are we" I finally find my voice as the car stops.

"The hospital, I called your dad he's going to meet us and try and call Helen"

"Why are we here, I don't want to see him" I thrash my body as I try to escape my seatbelt. The last thing I want to do is see the man who did this. I will never get over what I witnessed and it's because of him.

"Roxy, I know you. Your kind and compassionate, you will want to know he's ok and if we're here you can find out sooner" Kenny reasons.

I don't feel so kind and compassionate at the moment, I feel angry. The fact that he would do this in my room in front of me boils my blood. I lost a friend to suicide when I was in high school and it had been traumatic I couldn't experience that pain again.

My dad arrives not long after we take our seats at in the waiting room. We wait for a doctor to tell us what's going on but they continue to tell us they can only inform family. We all try in vain to contact Helen. I realise what I have to do, there is only one person she will not ignore a call from.

"Gran, I need you to call Mom. It's important, joe is in the hospital. He attempted suicide"

I tell her the hospital and ask her to let me know when she's been able to contact Helen. It's only an hour later when Helen bursts through the door. We're all clearly taken aback by her haggard appearance.  Her hair is wild as though it hadn't been brushed for days, even more shocking was the fact that she was wearing sweat pants.

Helen doesn't acknowledge us, instead she runs to the reception and enquiries about joes condition. Before long a doctor appears and leads her away where we can't hear what's being said.

"I'm going to take Debbie outside, she may need a bathroom break and I sure as hell need some air"

Kenny follows me, we walk around the car park and the silence is deafening. He will never admit it but what he witnessed has affected him but as much as it has me.

"I'm sorry"

Kenny looks at me in confusion "for what"

"This, me. I come with all this baggage and your just too good for me. You don't deserve all the shit that comes along with me. We need to break up" my heart is breaking, I don't want to break up with him. I love him.

He takes my face in between his hands and shakes me gently to get my attention. "Listen we're not breaking up ever. I love you, I've always loved you. No one will tear us apart. The day I leave you is the day they take me away in a wooden box and I swear to you now I won't go without a fight"

I try to argue but his lips smash on mine, the warmth from his body being so close to mine makes my barren soul fill. My eyes start to leak as I pull him into a tight hug.

"Don't ever leave me" I beg.

"I promise"

I clean my face and we head back in doors, Helen is sat on a plastic chair with her head in her hands. My father has his arms around her.  Fury fills her as she looks up at me, offended by my presence.

The last words she ever speaks to me are "Well he's gone, I hope your happy"