A Familiar Room

Useless

Chuuya sat in his room, holding his hat in his hands. He could still remember the hangover that hit him a couple of days before. It was the worst he'd ever experienced and he didn't think any hangover could top it. Then again, it was nothing compared to the dull ache in his chest. The one that wouldn't go away no matter how many nights he slept. He had kept the bottle of the wine that made him that drunk and hungover. He didn't know why he wanted to keep it, but there it stood on his shelf, like a prize.

Chuuya had thought he would have been happy now. That he would feel a lot lighter and freer, but instead, he just felt heavy, dull, alone.

Dazai left the Mafia three days ago.

Chuuya didn't know what to do.

Of course, when Tachihara found Chuuya passed out on the floor the morning after opening the bottle of Petrus the night before, he ran to get Kouyou. At that point, people had only just begun to suspect that Dazai had defected, but seeing Chuuya in that state confirmed it for everyone.

In the years to come, Chuuya would always tell Dazai that he opened that bottle in celebration of his much-awaited departure, but the truth was, Chuuya opened that bottle in the hopes of drowning the memories. The memories of Dazai always being by his side whenever he needed him. The memories of Dazai pestering him with the intention of distracting him from whatever happened to be troubling him at the time. The memories of Dazai not leaving his side for a whole two weeks after he almost got kidnapped by a rival gang. The memory of Dazai refusing to go away as he was breaking down. The memory of Dazai being a shoulder to cry on when he felt unwanted and less than human. The memory of Dazai implying he would always be there for him, that he didn't know what he would do without him. Chuuya wanted to drown Dazai so he didn't have to think about it all.

Of course, the wine simply gave him a headache and made him feel twice as depressed.

Kouyou had managed to persuade Mori that Chuuya was ill and that he needed a few days off to recover, moving Chuuya to her brothel to take care of him. During that time, Chuuya hadn't spoken. Kouyou had sat with him for hours on end, trying to coax him to open up to her, but he didn't say a word, simply staring blankly into the middle distance.

Kouyou knew how much Dazai's friendship meant to Chuuya and even she was at a loss on how to help him. Friends couldn't just be replaced and Dazai certainly wasn't coming back. There was only so much she could do to comfort him and help him get back on his feet but she was determined to do everything she could.

On the third day after he was moved to the brothel, Chuuya finally began to speak again. This was a full four days after Dazai had left and Kouyou couldn't help but breathe a sigh of relief. The only problem was, Chuuya didn't talk calmly about what had happened. He spoke quietly when asked what he wanted to eat or how he was feeling, but as soon as Dazai was brought up, he flew into a fit of rage and it was all anybody could do to stop him tearing the pace down. Luckily, he listened to Kouyou when she spoke and everyone could breathe a collective sigh of relief that he hadn't completely lost it.

A few days and many hours talking to Kouyou later, Chuuya was allowed to go back to HQ to resume his work. A message was sent in advance warning everyone not to bring up Dazai and as such, everyone was a lot more cautious around him than they used to be. Chuuya noticed but didn't say anything, simply getting on with his business and keeping Dazai out of his mind.

Unfortunately, that was a lot harder than he originally thought. Every place he went to reminded him of Dazai because they had both been to every part of Headquarters many times together. He forced himself to keep his composure, telling himself over and over again that he had a job to do but despite his best efforts, he often had to just take himself away to calm down in an empty room. He could often be seen walking through the corridors completely oblivious to everything going on around him, lost in his mind from trying to focus on not thinking about Dazai.