"Parting Ways"- A Boy Meets World Fan Fiction

10

It took longer than I expected to get to the apartments.

Ari pointed out different things and places along the way. I didn't pay any attention at all.

How is it that I've been so absent-minded today?

I don't know....

Yes I do.

I know exactly why.

My mind is home.

I'm not home.

No matter what I tell myself, Los Angeles will not be my home. My home is in Philadelphia, with my friends, with my love, with what's left my family.

What am I doing?

Forgetting I was in the presence of Ari, I let out a long sigh.

"What is it?" She asked, her tone empathetic. "Is it the traffic? It can be a little crazy here."

"No, no. The traffic is fine, I don't care about that." I replied.

"Is it me? Am I annoying you?"

"Not at all." That wasn't a lie. I wasn't annoyed, but I hadn't been listening to her at all.

"Good." She nodded, "Then what is it?" She asked again.

"I'm okay." I assured her, though it wasn't true.

I expected to be okay. I expected my entire view on this big change to be easy. That I would be okay as soon as I got here. I wasn't.

***

Key in shaky hand, I unlocked the door to my new apartment room. I opened the door to reveal a main room that was larger than my entire trailer as a kid. I breathed in. It smelt clean, almost hospital room clean. It had been a while since I had been in a hospital room, but the smell reminded me of the day I lost my dad. I shivered, though it was warm in the room. I miss my dad.

I blinked away tears as I closed the door behind me and began exploring the apartment room a bit more. There is a lot here, but it's not home to me.

Home is having to shoulder ram the trailer door open because it has been slammed so many times that it gets stuck all the time. Home is being smacked in the face with the smell of cigarette smoke when I entered my tiny trailer, though it was never a pleasant smell, it was always comforting. When it was stronger, I knew my dad was home. When it was faint, I held onto the hope that he would be back soon. He always was. He was always there "soon"

Not anymore though. When he left for the last time, that hope went with him. No more "soon". The trailer I once called home now became a wasteland, containing every pain of my life. It hurt to think about it.

That's not home anymore.

Even the apartment in Pennsylvania with Eric and Jack didn't feel quite like home, but it was. It was where Angela and I confessed our love to one another. Where I found out things about myself that I never knew. Like I how much I could care about somebody that wasn't myself. At first, stepping into that apartment did feel like home, but after a while, I quit being discontent there, and that's where I was. That's where I belonged.

And that's not home anymore either, Shawn.

I stepped out the two french doors onto a balcony that overlooked the city and breathed in.

The air here is so different in comparison to the crisp air I breathed in in Philadelphia just this morning.

There a breath of life filled my lungs as I inhaled. Here, I feel smog, the hot air is somewhat humid, and there is no life in it. It doesn't feel natural. I wondered if it ever would.

Why am I here? I wondered

"Why am I here??" I asked aloud, as if an answer would fall from the heavens.

I felt the heat of my tears build up behind my eyes once more. This time, I let them fall. Confident that up here, nobody would see me cry.

Nobody sees me cry.

I've always been very sensitive, but I've also done a very good job of hiding that. I think I had Cory and Topanga convinced that nothing could hurt me.

I had mislead them, big time.

Cory knows that now. Cory knows what bothers me, he knows my pain. He knows some things about my heart that I swore years ago would never leave my journal.

Cory.

Cory has always been my brother. My family when I had none. The one and only person I knew I could turn to no matter what, and he'd be there. He'd be there. No matter what I did, or where I went. I always knew that I had a home with Cory. He's my little brother. I miss my little brother.

I ran my finger along the the design on the barrier. The only thing that separated me and the road below me.

I wonder what it be like to fly. I'm high enough up that if I were to jump over this railing, I could fly for a moment.

I shivered at that thought. Where it did come from? Fearful of my own mind. I stepped back inside. Closing and locking the French doors.

This apartment reminded me more of a large hotel room. With the bed made and everything so clean. I took a blanket that had been folded at the end of the bed out to the living area and got comfortable in the recliner.

I fell asleep.

I dream.