I swore I was doing at least 85mph down the interstate. The tears flowing down my cheeks as O'shea's confession ringed throughout my head. I couldn't be totally upset. We are both young and trying to find ourselves. People always got something to say about me and what I do. In all honesty, I'm young and I'm trying to find myself. If you don't like it, well fuck you. What they eat don't make me shit.
I took a sharp right into the gate and cruised 25mph through the snake like road. The sun was slowly setting and the sounds of Chris Brown's Sorry was blaring through my speakers. The orange and red arrays in the sky gave me a sense of serenity as I placed my car in park and laid my head back against the headrest, gathering my thoughts.
Reaching into the backseat, I grabbed the two dozen of roses and opened the car door. Sniffling and walking slowly through the grass until I found my destination, my mother's grave. No one new I came here when I had something to talk about. Lord knows I wish I could have met this phenomenal woman but god wanted her closer to him.
I looked down at the pictures surrounding my mother's grave along with teddy bears, roses and balloons. I kneeled down and placed my hand on my mother's tombstone and shed a couple of tears that dropped on the patch of fresh manicured grass below me before placing the roses on my mother gravesite. The air blew softly, feeling good against my skin since I had on a halter top with a pair of love pink sweat pants and flip flops. Something I just threw on after O'shea left.
"Hi mommy..." I said as my voice cracked, staring down at her picture. "Its your daughter...E'mani. Look ma I know you probably not too thrilled with how I've been acting and what not, but I am so so sorry. Although I have daddy, I'm lost out here. Dad is great but I still feel a void missing. I need you mommy. I know that physically you can't be here for me. But I know spiritually you are near. I feel your presence as we speak right now."
I began sniffling as the tears flowed even more. My heart pounded as my hand shook uncontrollably. No child should have to be crying over their parent's gravesite. Its not fair. I always question why couldn't mommy be here.
For another 20 minutes, I just sat pretzel style and spoke to my mom as if she was sitting here listening to me. I laughed some more, cried some more and asked for her to let god know that I need guidance. I asked her to guide me into the right direction, prayed that daddy is happy and healthy and just to get my mind right. That's all I could ask for right now.
I finally stood up to stretch my legs out and bent down to kiss my mom tombstone before walking to my car and hopping back in. I leaned my seat back and closed my eyes once again as the tears began to flow like a river down my face.
---
"E'mani."
My eyes fluttered open and I jumped back at the sight before my eyes. She was gorgeous with her long hair down to the middle of her back. She was dressed in an all-white dress and her makeup was on point.
"E'mani Lynnea." My mother said before raising her eyebrow.
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