TRIGGER WARNING: There will be talk about suicidal thoughts and depression. If you are sensitive, please do not read this.
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That night I had a difficult time falling asleep; I was missing something. I couldn't place my finger on it. Maybe I felt homesick. Well, I doubt it 'cuz my "family" isn't quite what it should be.
It felt different to be sleeping alone in a strange house where I barely knew anyone. I had to admit that they were still strangers despite the fact that they were so kind to me. They didn't act like I was a stranger. I wonder why. The six of them seemed to act like they always did, even though I was someone they just met. Why were they so accepting of someone like me?
All my life I have been a failure, that hadn't changed at all. I still made stupid mistakes. I still couldn't communicate with people normally. I still didn't have any accomplishments nor anyone to truly love me. My mother had been the only one to love someone like me. Why did she have to leave? Why did she leave me alone? I should have gone with her, I really should have. I should've taken those pills. I should've ended my life right then and there. What am I even living for? A sigh escapes my lips.
The only thing that had kept me from swallowing those pills was a song. There had been a rapper on the radio at that moment. The moment in which I had locked myself in my room along with every prescription I could find. There had been tears, so many of them. My hands were shaking. My sobs kept escaping from my throat. The words "do it" kept repeating over and over.
Do it.
Do it.
Do it!
My right hand unscrewed the cap and shook the bottle of pills in my left hand. My mouth was open, ready to receive the solution to my problems. Suddenly, an amazing rap came through the speakers on the radio. The voice was raspy and honest, and it was full of everything I didn't have- passion. The lyrics ran through my mind and more tears came before I dropped the pills I held in my hand.
"I'm living because I can't die, but I don't have anything I want to do.
I'm in so much pain and loneliness, but people around me keep telling me to regain my consciousness.
I try to vent my anger but I only got myself, so what's the point of venting my anger?
I'm scared to open my eyes everyday and start breathing.
Even my friends and family are drifting away.
I feel anxious as time passes by.
It feels like I'm all by myself. I hope everything disappears when I'm alone.
I hope things disappear like mirage. I hope things disappear.
I hope my damn self disappears."
How could someone have the same pains as me? It was hard to believe that someone I didn't know, someone that had so much success as to appear on the radio, had the same pains as me. I wasn't the only one. They knew exactly what I was going through. It made me cry to have someone who knew how I felt. I wasn't alone. The song continued, but this time it told me to dream.
"Dream, I will be there for your creation until the end of your life.
Dream, your beginnings will seem humble, so prosperous will your future be.
You will fully bloom after all the hardships."
It seemed that each time the song said "dream", the word was replaced with "live". He was telling me to live. Someone who felt the same as me, was telling me to live. This someone was telling me to continue. That it will get better.
I shook my head, wiped my tears, and listened to the radio some more. When the song finished, I was hoping to hear the artist's name but it seemed that the radio hadn't been on at all. The radio hadn't been plugged into the outlet. That was strange; how could it work without being plugged in?
My carpet had pills all over the floor, it seemed to be a sea of them. I quickly cleaned them up and threw them away.
Although it took all I had to not put them back up to my mouth, I was able to stop myself. That song had given me some kind of strength I never knew I had. I sniffled a bit before thinking about what this all meant.
There was someone who was like me; I wasn't alone. That thought alone made me feel better, even if it was only by a little bit. For the longest time, I had only hoped I would find someone who understood what I was going through. It had been different since my mother's death. At that time, I felt so alone.
Tears came to my eyes and and I quickly rubbed them away.
Despite how hard it would be, I decided I would live today, and maybe tomorrow. I would try to live everyday that came to be. That is probably what my mother would have wanted. I looked at her small picture on the corner and stood up.
"I won't be able to do this alone, but I will try my best, mom. I promise." I thought.
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Credits to the song translator 👉af taehyung👈on Youtube. This was dedicated to JhopieSunshine_ who I lied to unintentionally. I'm sorry.
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