Pizza & Wings

8 Home

It felt so wonderful to be secure in her arms. Her slight weight crashing down over me and covering me like a blanket. I felt safe, strong and capable with her near me. I closed my eyes, relaxed and just felt. I was ready to give in to sleep, her weight over me was so comfortable and right, as it should be. I moaned softly. Her words were warm and just right. "Let's go home, Baby. I still have some weight on my heart I need to share and I need to hear yours."

I was ready to hear what else weighed on him and I would share in kind. I kissed him softly and untangled myself from him. I crawled over the console and back to my seat and settled in for the rest of the drive. We didn't have too far left to go.

"Will you let me get the door for you and your things too? I just need to do these things for you."

"Sure. Whatever you need." I meant it. I would give him whatever he needed in these moments.

I got out of the car and walked around to let her out. I grabbed her things out of the back of the car and walked her to my front door. I had just told her the single most terrifying moment of my life to date. It seemed that everything stemmed from that hurt. There was just one more thing, but it made sense to me. As I calmed and played it all through my mind, it all made sense. If she sent me a text like that and then went dark. I'd have dropped everything and rushed home. For not understanding that I owed her an apology. I was still hurt about not being trusted. Mainly because I was tested. Other than not making a scene and putting that above my own health, I passed.

I let him do what he needed to which included letting him lead me to his door. I made the decision that I owed him a massive apology. When he was done saying what he needed to, I would give it to him with all of the sincerity I had. I was wrong and I had hurt him more than he already was.

Once we were settled I sat down on the end of the couch and motioned for her to join me. I turned to face her, putting my knee up on the couch and my foot under my other leg, half criss-cross. I held out both my hands palms up for her to take.

I joined him on the couch and took the hands he offered. I slowly brought my eyes up to meet his. When I was sure I had them, I silently mouthed 'I love you' and squeezed his hands.

I smiled softly at the love she gave me with her eyes. I whispered my love back and leaned in and kissed her nose. I had so much to say and decided that I had a question to ask too. I knew what order they needed to go in, but I wanted to skip right to the question. I knew better, she had taught me better. I looked down at our joined hands and started talking. The hardest part was over. "You have taught me so much. Helped me grow and learn in ways I didn't know was possible." I raised my eyes to hers. I was going to cry, either way may as well have pretty eyes that loved me to look into while I was doing it. I tried a shy smile. "You taught me how important it is that we talk to the people we love, that we are open and honest." I bit my lip, but I felt strong holding those eyes with mine. "We have done a lot to bridge our gaps and do that. We had to both be hurting pretty bad for our communication to completely break down the way it did." I paused to let her say something if she needed to.

He was building up to something and I honestly had no clue as to what it was. I was determined to let him have his say though before I took over. "You are not wrong there."

I squeezed her hands and smiled. No, I wasn't. "You had to have been pretty scared when you couldn't get a hold of me. Especially after a dumb text like that one."

I swallowed hard. "I was. It got worse when I couldn't tell you that I loved you and goodnight and I was 3 time zones away." My voice hitched.

"Tell me about it. I tried to die. Not being able to tell you good night, to hug you and kiss you before I went to sleep made for a very difficult night. It sent me over the edge. I'm sorry." Yup the tears fell. I took a deep breath and went on. "It hurt. Then I missed you at the airport. I missed you by 5 maybe 10 minutes and it made me mad that you didn't wait. It didn't help at all. I wasn't able to see. I wasn't able to feel. I was going crazy just trying to get to you, upset and pissed at myself for losing my phone and feeling like shit because of what happened that I didn't even think of how you might feel. That was stupid. If you had sent me that text or one like it to me, you can bet your sweet ass I'd be on the next flight to wherever you were supposed to be."

"It didn't help that I had a nightmare on the plane. That was nothing you could control. I was so mad that I couldn't see straight. It was just like everything was lining up to make us both look terrible."

"I felt guilty and ashamed. I should have called you before I even left my house to go to Brad's, but I didn't. If I had I probably would have had my phone and not left it sitting on the end table. A stupid text and a lost phone. Triggered a lot. Then that other shit or I guess that other shit first. It made for a horrible work week. The worst ever. I have to tell them and see what they want to do. I can't keep this up, I can't keep my guard up all the time, it makes me edgy, distracts me when I am home and tears me up inside. I felt like I had been tested. You were away and someone I used to care very deeply for, love, tried very hard to lead me astray. All I want is you, all the time, every day. I was tested and still, you thought that I could do that to you, to us. Somewhere in the recesses of your mind, you thought I could. That just hurt. I see though. I hadn't told you about that. You didn't know. And you were scared. I scared you. I'm so sorry I didn't think about how you might feel. I'm sorry I didn't tell you right away. I'm just sorry. I don't like fighting with you. I fight with others more than enough. You are my safe place. My everything. I don't want to lose you."

"I was scared. I was also very, very wrong. I should never have believed that you could do that to me. She makes me irrational, and I am sorry, but I hate her. I love you and I am very, very sorry that I thought I couldn't trust you. I am sorry that you were tested. I am sorry that she hurt you. I don't want to lose you either." I was crying now.

She started crying too and that was unacceptable. I started whispering I know, I know over and over again as I moved to pull her into my arms. There was no way I could sit there and watch the love of my life cry. "I thought I'd never find you" I whispered to her hair as I wrapped myself around her. "But I found you." I rubbed her back gently until our crying stopped. I was contented to just lay on the couch and hold her. I pulled the throw off the back of the couch and covered us. There were two things that I wanted, ideas just kept popping up in my head. But the first was the most important. "Are you comfortable here?"

He held me while I cried and laid us down on the couch. He did his level best to comfort me. We finally both stopped crying and I felt safe and warm in his arms. He covered us with a blanket and there was no place I'd rather be. "Very." I snuggled in tighter.

I didn't take the time to be nervous. I had no idea what her answer would be I didn't care if it was later as long as it was yes. "Would you like to live here?"

I was shocked. My face was pressed against his chest. I pulled away from him enough so that I could look up at him. I am sure my eyes were huge. "I would love to, but I - I thought it was out of the question unless we were -" I stopped myself completely unable to finish the sentence. Was he getting ready to do what I thought he was going to do?

"I know. One day I am going to ask you that question too. I found you. I didn't think I ever would. It was my greatest fear. I love you more than life and music, more than air. You hold my heart in your hands, you always will. Looking into your eyes, I see my future, my everything. You are my everything and I need you. I need to be able to kiss your skin every night before I go to sleep, I need to wake in the middle of the night and listen to you breathing, wake up in your arms and get lost in your love. I can only hope that you need me, want me and will have me. Until we can make things official will my promise do?"

My eyes were filled with tears again, for a different reason entirely. "I want that too. All of that. Yes, I want to live here. Yes, your promise will do. Just yes."

I held her as close as I could and kissed the top of her head. I pulled her up on me and covered as much of her face with kisses as I could. She was moving in with me.

"Next time, we need to make a change, what do you say we just ask each other?" I found her lips and kissed her solidly. One day she would be my wife.

"That sounds like a plan." For the first time in my life, I was moving in with a guy. Not just any guy, the only guy I have ever wanted to live with. "What are you going to tell mom?" I giggled.

I went rigid and silent for a moment while I thought about my answer. "That I love you beyond life and that one day, you will be first my official fiance then my wife." It was simple and true.

"Good answer." I smiled and then I leaned down and kissed him until I couldn't breathe.