Dear Evan Hansen Writing Prompts

(8) Heidi

“Were you ever going to tell me?”
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Trigger warning: talk of suicide

I've fucked up. I messed everything up and it was nobody's fault but my own. I shouldn't have lied. I shouldn't have tried being someone I'm not. I'm not a good friend, I'm not even a friend. It was all a lie.

And now the Murphys know. The Murphys who I loved and who I was hopeful loved me, they're gone and it's all because I couldn't have been a good person. Why couldn't I have just told the truth sooner. I don't deserve people like them

I don't deserve to be here. I ruin every thing. I ruin lives and families and friendships. I ruined myself. I ruined my relationship with my mom. This is exactly what happens. Everyone has seen it. The absolute worst of me.

Is anyone surprised it's just been me all along? No gimmicks or surprises. What you see is what you get in terms of the worst of me.

I stumbled as I walked home. I passed the park where Zoe had told me they found Connor. I just started to bawl. I didn't know him. Why can't I get that through my skull. Connor and I were never friends. Why would we be?

I keep crying the whole way home, I haven't felt this awful my entire life. Not when I broke my arm, not when I found out Connor commited suicide and my letter could have pushed him over the edge. No. This was it.

It had to be it. I couldn't keep doing this. I can't keep ruining peoples lives over and over again. I'm constantly disappointing people. That's all.

I decide that I'm just going to do it. For real this time. No accidents. It would work this time. I'll just go to my bedroom as soon as I get home.

I walk in the front door,on a mission to get to my bedroom. I had to do this. I can't live like this knowing I have hurt so many people. I have lied to everyone and hurt every person I care about.

I was walking to my room when --- "Evan can we talk?". My mom. I try to say something, anything. But once again, words fail me. I try to wipe away my tears but it's no use.

"I saw this online. Connors "suicide note". Dear Evan Hansen..." she trails off. "You wrote this. Didn't you?"

My mom sits on the couch, looking defeated. "I didn't know you were hurting like this Evan."  I stare at my arms. Wishing I still had my cast to trace Connors name right now. I find myself rubbing my arms instead.

"Nobody knew. I lied to a lot of people." I look down at my feet. I feel this huge weight on my shoulders. It's so much to carry. I just want it to stop.

"Were you ever going to tell me?" I shook my head fast at her words.

"I didn't want to hurt you more." I said quietly. "If you knew.. if you knew what I tried to do... you would hate me." I cry. I don't know why I'm telling her all this, but it feels like it's helping.

"Mom... at Ellison State park. I didn't... I didn't fall out of that tree. I.... I." I can't even finish the sentence without breaking down and my moms arms are wrapped so tightly around me.

"Shhh. Evan I'm not going anywhere. Your mom is staying right here. No matter what. I'll be here. I promise you." She rubs my back and we sit on the couch and cry.

" I need to have more appointments with Doctor Sherman. I'm not okay. I need to stop pretending I don't need the help. I'm sick and I need help I'm sorry mom." I cry more into her. Thankful she was here when I got home.

"Ill do that for you sweet heart. Of course. " she squeezes me. "Go put on some comfy pajamas, we'll spend the night watching X-Men. Wolverine used to be your absolute favourite!" She laughs but then hugs me again, for good measure.

"I love you Evan. Nothing is ever EVER going to change that. You're always my little guy. I'm always here for you. I'm sorry I'm not more. I love you so much."

I smile fondly back at her. "I love you too mom"