Buzzfeed, Boys, Black Magic

incessant text messages and men without balls

Things I have learned about Rafi in one day:

He really likes Aston Martins.

He plays the banjo in his frat's string band.

He doesn't drink alcohol.

He texts like a girl.

***

"That's sexist," Abby set her beer on the table-top.

"I'm a girl," I sought to defend myself. "I can't be sexist."

"Don't you believe in internalized misogyny or whatever?"

"All I'm saying is that he's a defective male," I looked around the casino dance-floor before us. "See all these guys? How many of them text girls 'good morning' and maintain text conversations throughout an entire day? Do you think any of them really cares whether the girl preferred Johnny Bravo or Dexter's Laboratory?"

Abby observed the dancers. Their flannel shirts, their baseball caps, their awkward, immovable hips and the uncomfortable shuffle of their feet.

"Dude, these guys are between the ages of 35 and 90," she finally said. "They probably say 'good morning' to their wives when they wake up each day. That doesn't make them defective."

"He hasn't ghosted me yet," I said. "He's already asked me to get midnight slushies with him tomorrow."

"Is that a sex thing?" Abby crinkled her nose.

"Slushies," I clarified. "At the 24-hour Wawa."

"Oh," she sounded relieved. "You should do it."

"We already exchanged probably two hours' worth of text messages today, I don't want to see him tomorrow on top of it-"

"Is he funny?"

"Yeah-"

"Do you like talking to him?"

"Yeah-"

"If ya like talking to him, see him tomorrow." Abby took a sip of her beer.

"But I need space-"

"Hate to remind you," Abby said, "but you're on a timeline here. The fact he's so into you can only help. The sooner you see him, the sooner you date, the sooner he can dump you."

Abby did have a point. My phone buzzed. Rafi. I had told him that I was going to bed. A lie, I know. But it was near 10:00 PM, and I didn't want to continue to play-text-message-Ping-Pong while bsing with Abby at the casino. I read the message:

            Sweet dreams! 💫

"He used the shooting star emoji," I said. "Defective."

"Did he double text you?" Abby asked.

"No," I said. "Like, there were maybe a couple hour periods where I didn't respond."

"He's fine then," she crossed her arms. "If a guy double texts you right away, eh, might be a sign you'll need a restraining order down the line. Sounds like he's cool," she smiled at me, "just smitten."

I snorted.

"What?" Abby said. "That's totally possible."

"Defective." I said.

Abby rolled her eyes and finished her beer.

"I'm going to get another," she stood up. "Assuming you don't want one?"