Buzzfeed, Boys, Black Magic

dad material pool party

"So," I said, as I watched a drowned cicada circle my pool float. "Have you found out whether he's intact?"

"Hmm?" Abby tilted her head off the back of her float, so that her auburn hair fell onto the green glass-top of the water.

"The balls," I said. "Are they missing?"

"Lee," Abby bolted up and glanced down the yard around us, "keep your voice down." Satisfied that Mike was still grabbing some Hard Lemonades from his kitchen, she slipped her sunglasses down onto her nose and looked square at me. "It hasn't come up."

"What hasn't come up?"

"The balls, you degenerate," Abby hissed. "I haven't asked him about his balls."

"But does he seem like he's missing them?"

"How can a person seem like he's missing his balls?" she interrupted me.

"You can tell," I said. "Napoleon, Hitler, and Lance Armstrong all lost a ball. I bet they'd all be tailgaters. Probably bad tippers too-"

"Well then, he's not missing his balls," Abby pushed her sunglasses back onto the bridge of her nose and reclined back onto her float. "He tips very well and is very comfortable with his masculinity."

I snorted.

"You've turned into a fourteen-year-old boy," Abby said.

"I spend too much time at the Newton Center," I agreed. "This pimple-faced brat called me a 'government shill' the other day because I told him the world was spherical-"

"Or," Abby smirked, "could also be the influence of your pothead."

"I don't think so," I said. "Rafi's not like that." Rafi was the least fourteen-year-old-boy-like pothead I had ever met.

"What is he like, anyway?"

"He killed a grasshopper for me, so, chivalrous, I guess?" I watched Abby's face contort.

"What does killing a grasshopper mean?"

"He's nice."

"Are you two official yet?" she asked.

"Yeah," I said. "I mean, I think so. There's a chance he agreed to be my boyfriend ironically, but I think it meets Buzzfeed's definition of a relationship, at least."

Right then, Mike waded into the pool, cradling two Hard Lemonades and some hipster beer in his tan hands. He had attached floaties to the bottles and shipped the beer on the water toward Abby, and one lemonade toward me.

"So," he said, and settled into a spot on the wall next to Abby. "Buzzfeed has relationship criteria? You kids take your dating advice from Buzzfeed these days?"

Abby looked at me. I didn't know what to say. I looked back at Mike's smiling, dad-material face. What the hell, I figured, as the void sang its siren song to me. Why are we still here? Just to suffer.

"Actually," I said, and plunged into the abyss. "I'm trying to date and get dumped by a pothead so I will meet my Buzzfeed-ordained soulmate in t-minus two weeks."

"What?" Mike crinkled his nose.

"Ignore her," Abby said, "the girl's mad."

"Are you talking about those Buzzfeed quizzes?" Mike asked. He's sharp.

"They tell the future," I said. Abby kicked my float.

"Last time I took one it said I was 'Anna' from Frozen," Mike shrugged. "I personally think I'm more of a Pocahontas."

"That was before Jonah Peretti ripped out the beating heart of an ethnically-ambiguous, bisexual intern." I explained. Abby kicked my float again, violently this time, so that it nearly tipped.

"He did what?" Mike's sweet, dad-material eyes bugged. "I must have missed that-"

"The intern was a virgin, as to quench Kali-Ma's thirst for untainted blood-" and the next thing I knew, I had a mouthful of chlorine. I bobbed to the surface.

"That's the thing about Lee," Abby chuckled as I knocked pool water out of my ear. "She's a wildcard, who knows what she's gonna say next."

"You know what," Mike said, "I'm going to go get my phone. Let's do some Buzzfeed quizzes. Make it into a drinking game." He pressed down on the ledge of his pool, propelled himself upwards and out of the water and jumped down over the side of the pool to the grass below.

"Da-fuck dude," Abby whispered. "What the fuck was that?"

"I don't know," I said. "It just came over me." I watched Mike run to his patio and pick up the iPhone resting on the table there.

"You sounded like a psycho-"

"Hey, don't worry," I said, "Buzzfeed said you'd be dating him, nothing I can say will fuck that up."

"You don't know that," Abby said. "I didn't ask Buzzfeed how long this'll last. Could be less time than you and Rafi."

"Impossible," I said. "We're gonna be over in two weeks. In fact, I should really start trying to end this sucker ASAP."

"Shouldn't be hard," Abby lifted an eyebrow. "Just start talking about Jonah Peretti and blood sacrifices."

"Hey!" Mike called from across the lawn. "This quiz got my name right!"

***