Jayfeather & Half Moon/Briarlight

11

  Jayfeather could feel the tension between both of them when he woke. Sharp guilt shot through him as he recalled what happened the previous night. They didn't speak - their argument was still a sore wound neither dared to touch or approach. But anger still coursed through his veins - both at her, and at himself. Shame was a shadow clinging on to him, forever dragging him down until he almost drowned in it. He couldn't believe how many cats he had hurt - first Half Moon, then Briarlight. Even... even his own mother.

If he could see, Jayfeather would have seen the raw heartbreak and sadness in Briarlight's eyes. But he couldn't see. He was blind, and could only feel. And even now, with his thoughts wrapped up in a cloud of sadness that Briarlight now knew the reason why, he was blind to her feelings too.

Briarlight left the den, cold and distant. It was a total opposite to her usual warmth and cheeriness. Jayfeather tried not to snap at Squirrelflight as he worked on her, paws deft and heart devoid of any emotion.

Squirrelflight didn't say anything, but Jayfeather could feel her disconcerting gaze on him. As if she knew. But she didn't. She didn't know anything Jayfeather had ever done. She wasn't even his real mother.

Life has always been a lie.

Even... even Half Moon. Jayfeather stumbled. Squirrelflight winced as his paws brushed against her wounds, but still she did not say anything. He turned away, Half Moon's green eyes blazing in his mind. Even there in her eyes he saw the same disappointment. The same betrayed look.

Jayfeather opened his eyes. Darkness. He moved his head from side to side. Still darkness. Nothing would ever be light, would it?

And then Squirrelflight spoke, and Jayfeather was brought back to the time when he was still young, before everything had ever happened and before everything was messed up. It was just him, Squirrelflight, Lionblaze, and Hollyleaf. That was all, and his whole world was perfect.

"Life doesn't turn out the way you want it to be." Squirrelflight had whispered. "Jaykit may be blind, but that doesn't mean he's less special than any one of you," she continued in the nursery's dim light. Lionblaze and Hollyleaf, still kits then, squirmed next to Jayfeather's body.

He remembered that feeling. The feeling of pride that soured through his chest as he thought of the word special.

Squirrelflight's warm smell was a comforting scent, one that smelled of home and love. But now Jayfeather couldn't say what home meant to him. What love meant.

"I believe all of you are meant to be great cats, cats that can change the future if you want. It doesn't matter if you're not mentioned in a prophecy. It doesn't matter if you're young. You can change and help your Clan just by being the best you can be and the best of what you do." Squirrelflight purred, leaning down to lick Lionblaze's - then Lionkit - cheek fondly. "Everyone in this Clan knows what they're doing. It doesn't matter if you're a medicine cat or a warrior. We all help each other so that we function and support each other. Every rank is important."

Jayfeather's paws kneaded the herbs, hard and fast. He wanted to forget. Why was he remembering?

Jaykit was running to the nursery entrance.

Squirrelflight lifted her head. "Jaykit? Where are you running off to?" Her mew sounded amused, but Jaykit's feelings were in a mess and in turmoil. And when Brambleclaw appeared at the den entrance, he collapsed at his feet. It was because of how strong Brambleclaw felt like - so noble, so composed, so... sure.

Brambleclaw had purred then, leaning down to carry Jaykit back to his 'mother's' side. But when Jaykit explained why he felt, their faces grew graver and they hurried Lionkit and Hollykit away. Outside to play.

"If you say every rank is important, where do blind cats like me go? To the elders den? Abandoned?" Jaykit's voice rose to a sharp wail. "Don't leave me," he cried.

Brambleclaw exchanged glances with Squirrelflight. "No one's going to leave you, Jaykit. You're a part of our Clan and still can serve it even if you're blind."

Jayfeather remembered that feeling of panic. The feeling that he didn't belong. The feeling that now froze Jayfeather and made him drown - like when he saw Flametail in the lake, how he was unable to help him.

They had managed to quiet Jaykit down then, calm him and reassure him. But now... now Jayfeather didn't know. No amount of comfort or reassurance will heal the wounds in his heart, or help him be blind to the lies in his life.

He wanted to disappear, to run away and leave everything behind. He wanted to escape, to be free like Leafpool once was with Crowfeather. Except Jayfeather now would make the journey alone - towards the mountains where he first fell in love with a cat who now looked down on him with disappointment and hurt.

No, he wouldn't go to the mountains. He still wouldn't belong. He probably didn't belong anywhere. He deserved to live a life like a loner - at least he would still have some honor if he died in the wild.

Only when Squirrelflight repeated his name in a firm tone did Jayfeather blink and awake from his thoughts. His paws slowed.

"You're destroying those poor herbs," Squirrelflight commented lightly, a little amused like how she had called Jaykit as he ran for the entrance to the nursery, wanting to run and escape before they could grab him and throw him out. A more composed aura surrounded Squirrelflight compared to last time, when she was still nervous to be around her kits ever since they found out about the truth - especially Jayfeather.

Jayfeather leaned down. It was true. The herbs were squashed beyond eating. Unable to be used. He sniffed and nudged it away, taking a new stack of herbs and kneading it - lightly. "So what happened?" Squirrelflight asked after watching him knead for a while.

He huffed and wrapped the kneaded herbs with a leaf. "Are you talking about Briarlight and me?"

"Yes."

"Nothing ever happened."

"She likes you, you know." Squirrelflight whispered.

Jayfeather paused, taken by surprise. "What?" Then he focused on his work and continued to knead the herbs as if nothing had happened when really his heart was beating fast.

"You really are blind," Squirrelflight muttered, but Jayfeather could tell that she meant it as a joke. He rolled his eyes. "It's very obvious, Jayfeather. I can almost say that you like her, too."

If cats could ever raise an eyebrow, Jayfeather would have. "There's something wrong you ate yesterday. It's affecting the way you think." He wrapped the herbs in a leaf again, pushing it to the side.

Squirrelflight purred. "You should just go and talk to her."

Jayfeather rolled his eyes. "We just fought yesterday, and I insulted her with one of the worst things possible. I don't even think she wants to talk to me."

Squirrelflight nodded her head. "True."

Again, Jayfeather would have raised an eyebrow if he could. "Is that supposed to help?"

Squirrelflight shrugged. "No."

Jayfeather lifted his head, sniffing. "I haven't seen Alderheart a lot recently."

Squirrelflight cocked her head. "That's true. He's been missing most nights, too. His nest is cold and empty whenever I wake up halfway through the night."

Jayfeather stretched. "I'll go search for him and ask him what he's been up to. You should rest."

"I will." Squirrelflight promised. "Don't forget to talk to Briarlight, and apologise."

Jayfeather rolled his eyes, heading out of the den. "I don't do that."

"For her, you should."

For her, I will.

"Jayfeather! Briarlight went out of camp and we can't find a trace of her!"