Broken Haven

Chapter 17

It's been a month. One whole month now, since I got out. Waking up in that bed was the worst feeling of my life. I died. I died and came back to life, in a world I barely even recognised anymore.

My body still hasn't fully recovered from my month and a half paralysis... Though maybe it's nothing to do with my physical health. I can't sleep, I can't sit still, and I've lost all appetite. I just want to feel normal again. That'll never happen though. My voice doesn't even sound the same... I think the respirator tube has damaged my vocal chords. I sound... Dead. I feel dead too.

Maybe it's good that everyone survived. Well, almost everyone. I'm sure many people won't take that long to readjust to normal life. I'm sure many people had a great time inside of Haven. I'm sure I could have too. Maybe I did, just for a little while.

I miss Hazel. I visit her bed every single day and hold her hand for a few minutes. I hope she forgives me for not saying goodbye, because I can't forgive myself. I let her down in my so called heroism. It was for what I thought was the best thing at the time though. I did try.

I've been thinking about Rose a lot recently. I think she died in Haven. She must have. This means she's alive in the real world, but close by to Ethan. It's scary to think he's still alive. It feels wrong. I killed him with my own hands. I watched him die. If I ever try and find Rose, no doubt I'll find him too. He's already tried to kill me once, and that resulted in his death. Lord only knows what he'll pull now, and I have no sword to defend myself. Maybe Rose still has Benton though. I pray that's enough hope for her to keep going.

One of the most difficult moments was processing the realisation that I'd never killed Harper. Killing him had drove me to near suicide. I haven't seen him. He's clearly already out of the hospital for good. I'm sure he didn't have to spend much time here, since he'd only been in the game for... two days? I think so. Not the month and a half I've experienced. I thought I was skinny to begin with, but now I look like an actual skeleton because I hadn't moved in so long. Lucky him, getting killed by me. I'm sure he's thankful.

It's strange... As I sit here and write this, my very own sister is out in the wilderness of Haven, probably fighting to survive. I hope Jose does his best protecting them. It's not like they'd be killed if the Madnight found them. They'd just be captured. I hope her death is quick. I hope all their deaths are quick.

Sometimes I feel really angry. All I can do is sit here and wait. It's not enough. It's not worth the peace of the real world. I'd much rather still be in there, unwise to the truth, if it meant I could look after her. I think I'm just rambling now however... There's not much else to say for the time being. I hope I keep up this diary. It feels good to get my feelings out on paper. I don't feel like using a computer. It's dumb, I know, but I just want to appreciate the simple things. I don't have to worry about the font, the size of the text, and I don't have the ability to change what's already written in place.

I think I'll go for a walk now, though I'll have to find my crutches first. Mum always puts them away because she doesn't like looking at them. She just wants to forget that any of this ever happened. I don't blame her. Here I go rambling again. Anyway... Goodbye, future me. See you tomorrow.