Bookworms | ✔

twenty-eight

*Trigger Warning*

Books surrounded him, endless pages of tragedies and heroines engulfed his mind, and Nicholas began to think of his own legacy that he would leave behind. He bitterly chuckled, clutching the sleeping pills in his hand as he leaned against the wooden shelves. 

He would leave no legacy behind except the statistic of a suicidal child in his broken home, fragments of glass that pierced his soul as his memories flew in circles around him. Nicholas felt his mind begin to get foggy, clouding his judgments. Mentally, he watched the memories of his parents and friends burn, letting the flames heat his desire to end everything.

Tears streamed down his cheeks as he bit back a sob. This would be it. There was no going back after he swallowed the pills, there was no forgiveness left, there was no love that could change his decision. As Nicholas inched the pills closer to his lips, he tried his best to viciously rip apart his memory of Dina, yet his mind refused the command. 

Nicholas choked, staggering back, and staring intensely at the oval shaped pills, dozens of them in his pale palms. His vision blurred as he remembered Dina's selfless smile, her melodic laughter, and light in her eyes. He could only imagine the pain he would cause her if he took his life. 

But Nicholas couldn't survive in his misery any longer. 

Dina would find a Muslim husband, a man who could provide for her every needs whether they be emotional or physical, but Nicholas was not that man. He was not her knight in shining armor. He was just Nicholas Muller, a boy scared of his own shadows. 

With his decision set, Nicholas squeezed his eyes shut and brought the cursed pills to his lips. He trembled, feeling his body quiver at the coldness of his thoughts, the brute strength of his despair, and the dangerous tears that fell down his cheeks, burning him as he tried his best not to regret his actions. 

"Nemo, I was wondering where you-" Dina paused as she turned towards him, her books falling, and her screams loud enough to echo off of every shelf in the library. "Nicholas!"

Dina ran towards Nicholas, arms around his waist from behind as she tried to force Nicholas to spit the pills out, but he resisted. Her damp cheeks rested against his back, tears dripping into the soft fabric and her sobs vibrating against him. Nicholas tried to ignore her suffering.

"Nicholas, please don't do this. Spit them out. Don't leave me!" she desperately cried, pressing harder against his stomach to the point where Nicholas couldn't swallow and a wave of nausea welled up his throat.

He choked, spitting the dozens of sleeping pills out, and watching them decorate the carpet of the library. The bitter taste stung the inside of his mouth with the reminder of what he would have done if Dina didn't come. Without realizing it, Nicholas cried, sinking down to his knees in his own puddle of anguish for what he could not accomplish.

"Nicholas," whispered Dina as she sat on her knees across from him. 

He felt alone, trapped in a cage where there was no escape, no survivors, no hope. Only darkness existed in his dark realm, only suffering that dragged him along its chain. Nicholas was so close to freedom, but she had stopped him. He was so close to tasting the end, the final chapter, yet he stopped.

"Why didn't you let me kill myself?"

Her doe-like eyes widened, fear encasing her in its claws. "Y-You were going to end your life. You have so much to live for, Nick, you have a future ahead of you. This is not the answer."

"Yes, it is!" he yelled, causing Dina to flinch. Tears streamed in rivers down his cheeks. "I don't want to keep going on like this. I don't want to keep waking up. I want everything to stop, the pain, the anger, the regret, I want it all to go away!"

She reached for him, but Nicholas pushed her away, blue eyes livid. He was blind, completely unaware of the pain he caused her, of the heartbreak she would endure because of him if he took his life, but none of that seemed to matter as Nicholas felt himself shatter beneath her, his self-worth miles away. 

Nicholas's shoulders shook. "I can't do this anymore, Dina," he whispered brokenly. 

Without warning, Dina cupped his cheeks, and Nicholas froze, knowing that she crossed her own limits in an effort to save him when he was too far from redemption. The pads of her thumbs wiped the tears away, brown eyes gazing down at him with affection and love, something Nicholas had forgotten long ago. 

"Look at me, Nick."

He did. 

"You can do this. You can get through every trial in life, climb the mountains, beat the obstacles, and destroy your demons. You will get through this," encouraged Dina, determination lacing her every word. 

He sniffled. "It h-hurts."

"I know, but life hurts sometimes. Life was not meant to be easy, Nick. It was meant to be difficult because with every difficulty we come out stronger, we come out better, we come out as heroes in our own stories. With every tear that is shed, we become tougher and more determined. With every smile, we are reminded of our blessings. Life can be beautiful but only if we give it our best effort."

He shook his head, pulling her hands off him. "I don't have a story full of blessings. I don't have a legacy to leave behind or a motivation to keep going," Nicholas spat out angrily. "Don't you get it, Dina? I don't want to live anymore."

Although Nicholas's words were meant to cut deep through her, he was surprised to see the opposite reaction. She patiently sat by him, listening to his heavy breaths, eyes displaying the hope she practiced.

"Do you think death will end your grief? Do you think death will help those around you? Who are you to decide your fate without knowing your destiny?" questioned Dina.

Nicholas stayed silent, not meeting her scrutinizing gaze. 

"Suicide is never the answer. I understand the pressures of life, but giving up is never the answer. Forcing death is the easy way out of struggles," she said, soft voice full of compassion. "You have a bright future ahead of you, Nick, a future so bright that it will blind others with its radiance. Please, don't end a life that hasn't truly blossomed into its full potential."

"Dina-"

"If you can't stay alive for yourself then please live for me, Nick. I can't let you do this. Please stay alive for me," she begged, harshly wiping her own tears.

That was when Nicholas knew that Dina would always be there. His family could hate him all they wanted, but Dina was different.

She cared.

----

It's been awhile guys. Who missed me? Come on, don't lie.

Truth is life's really been chewing me up with family drama and school work. I made the chapter longer to make up for it ; )

What do you think Nick is going to do now?

If you dont know, my social medias are on my profile. Don't forget to vote, comment, and follow!