Fear of Love

Chapter 1: The Red Thread

~Chapter 1: Carina’s POV~

My fear has always kept me from taking chances and experiencing what others do. Because of my fear, I never made any true friends. Because of my fear, I never dared to step outside my house. Because of my fear, I became a coward who knew nothing how children should spend their childhood. Because of my fear, I made enemies who don’t even treat me as one.

Because of my fear, I have never believed in love.

Those romantic shows on TV, never watched them unless it’s needed for research. All those sappy romance novels and gross YA novels I find in bookstores, never read them unless they’re needed for a book report. Those couples that walk around holding hands and showing affection in public, hated them. I live with a single parent who is too busy feeding me to be looking for a date. She doesn’t need to though.

Besides, how can I fall in love when I’m afraid of the opposite gender? I’m 15 years old and I have Androphobia; I have a fear of males.

How can someone like me, who can’t even talk to a boy without shivering, possibly have feelings for one? I always felt hopeless that I would never be ready for what was waiting for me outside my all-girl private school and safe house. That when I grow up, I’ll never be ready for the real world.

~O~o~O~

Clouds dotted the sky yet the sun was still visible. This kind of weather made Lucky even more restless, especially when we got to the park. Trees were planted in intervals on either side of the rocky pathway that leads to the center of the park, landmarked with a white marble fountain that I could see from where I was walking. I look around cautiously for any boys. It’s a Saturday, of course. As long as they are at least 2 feet away from me and no eye contact is made, I’ll be alright.

Why did Auntie Damia have to make me take Lucky out for a walk in the park? There are many more forms of exercise aside from walking. We could play tag in the yard of the doggy day care or in the obstacle course she set up inside for training her “customers”. She knew perfectly well that walking in public places scares me. Especially places where all kinds of genders walk in.

Feeling much more frightened as I see more males pass by, I pick up the little brown fur ball. Hugging him always made me feel calmer. I bought this Shitzu from a man on the streets for a very low price. Yes, I bought it from a man. It was one of the bravest things I have ever done. The dog was just screaming, Take me home! And how on earth could I resist? Dogs are kind of the only living creatures that I love regardless of their gender. Lucky is a male.

Momia (this is what I call my mom. It’s the combination of her first name, “Mia” and “Mommy”) was very proud of me when I bought it and said that it would be very good for my “self-therapy”. Yes, I’m giving myself therapy even though we pay so much money to my babysitter who is more of a happy-go-lucky dictator, than a babysitter when we could just give that money to a therapist.

But no.

“It’s better to learn how to face your fears on your own,” she says. “Not only is it cheap, but it helps in your emotional growth and development,” she says when all she means is that, “I’d rather help my good-for-nothing sister than help my daughter cure her 15-year long fear.”

My phone rings and shocks me out of my thoughts. I check whose calling.

Just great. It’s her.

I press a button and put the phone against my left ear. “Hell—“

Her loud voice cuts me off. “Where the hell are you?!” she screams. “You were supposed be at home at 2:30! Hell, it’s already 2:35 and you’re still not here with my ice cream!”