Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
dear jason,
i mean to tell you that i'm doing fine but that would be a lie.
as i sit here, reminiscing our memories i can't help but smile.
a smile with tears in my eyes, a smile full of sorrow, a smile that hurts.
because remembering what we once had reminds me of the joy and love i will never experience again.
i know i am pathetic.
i am a weak.
i am broken.
you knew all of that and yet—you loved me.
no one else could ever love me the way you did. no one would put so much time on someone like me. someone who needs so much fixing and mending. i'm still surprised with why you ever did it in the first place.
why?
why did you spend all your time with me?
why did you love me even when i was such a mess?
it always baffles me when i think about it. how you never, not once, ever left my side. how you always stood there, your feet rooted to the ground. how you always assured me that you were there for me when i needed help.
you managed to find all those pieces of me that i thought were lost forever. you started to slowly place them back together, one by one, taking your time.
during that process, you taught me so many different kinds of things. things i didn't think i'd learn. you taught me how to love, not only towards others, but to myself too.
you helped me more than you would admit. and i felt like i had to return the favor.
i had to help you too, i couldn't just let you do all that for me with nothing in return.
let me try to rephrase that, because it's not only that i felt that i had to but i wanted to help you.
i wanted to be there for you just as you were for me i wanted to make you feel the way you made me feel.
whole, complete, supported, loved.
and yet, when i was given the chance to do just that, to help you, i let it blast up in flames. i let you down the moment you needed me most.
i could never forgive myself.
i can't—not when i knew i could've made it.
if i was just a second sooner, you'd still be here.
and that feeling, that guilt, it still hangs over me like a large, gray cloud.
the memories, they flash back on their own, the ghastly images of you after the explosion, the smell of ash and burnt flesh, the fear and pain when it all happened.
i can't ever forget it, and i know i never will.
but even when it leaves me laying wide awake most nights, or when it's responsible for the nightmares that wake me up with a gasp, it's the good memories that i find my mind replaying that leave me destroyed.
the memories where we laughed and smiled. where our happiness was shown so evidently.
those were the ones that delivered the killing blows.
they are the ones that make it hard for me to find any positivity in the future.
when i didn't think anything else could make me as happy, as complete, as i had been when i was with you.
i'm sorry i'm rambling all over again. i'm sure you're tired of hearing me like this. you're probably sighing as you read this— well, i imagine you are even when i'm sure it's not possible, but i don't want to believe that—sighing from disappointment, wondering why it's taking me longer then it should to let you go.
i know . . . i know i should.
you deserve to be content. to be at peace.
i know i should not disturb you, that the last thing i should give you right now is space for you to finally rest, but another part of me, the stubborn, unwilling part of me, doesn't want that.
she wants to repeat the past, even when she knows she can't. she wants to do anything in her power to somehow rewrite your fate—to create a life where you are saved.
all the things she wants to do prove to be impossible and are the wishes of a desperate, absurd fool.
she can't rewrite the past, she can't change what's already been done nor can she bring a soul that is already in elysium back to the mortal realm.
but she doesn't want to let go either, even when she knows deep down that that's the only possible thing she can do.
when it's the only option she has.
to just . . .
let go.
yours beloved, emma
a/n: ahah hiii i'm still alive and still writing—well trying. hope you enjoyed and as always thank you for reading ily <3
