Trapped In Reverse

Trapped in reverse-Her Daughter

Creak...

Creak...

Creeeeaaaak....

I can hear her crawling to me,skipping happily.And I'm waiting,I'm hoping and praying in my enclosed bed clinging to my lifeless wet bear.It's wet? Did it rain? But I'm in my room,with a roof over my head and a couple of floors above and underneath the surface of the soft grass.There shouldn't be a way for my love to get wet,did I pour a bucket over his head? The fur is damp and the stuffing is squelching within her case of fur.The holes are leaching out and soon water may fill the gaps.

I close my eyes and stick them back in,my fingers.It's not..sticky like juice or smelly like old milk,like frozen ice left to rot in your fridge when you don't leave the house every summer.It goes deep,very deep until my fingers are coated in this old liquid.It's not fresh and I can tell but it didn't come from me. I pull them out...then forcefully struck them back in with such hypnotic tension.Its like slime,the way it reels you back in after the first try,the first sensation.

It's wired...
It's different...
It's difficult to resist..

And it sticks to me every night.The very sound of her footsteps hypnotises my hands,making them go places they shouldn't,fit into gaps that seemed scary and uncomfortable at first.

I repeat this pattern of in and out and in and out and back in again,hiding from this is unnatural and unnecessary and makes me feel like I'm in the wrong.Every single night.

Every.single.night

She visits,the girl that came from a seed of lust and unforgiving people.She is a good example of the rules of this place and hunts me every night.Stalking up the staircase and making little dents in my floorboards,making mother question reality,the very meaning of my experience.Was it worth it?

"Was it really worth it?" She would wisper in my small little ears.Everyday showing that same clueless smile while clinging to a man full of hatred.Mom.Do you really want to ask me this again?

"Was it worth it? Was it worth the excuse,guilt and very meaning of your life? Was it really..worth the trouble and love? Was it?"

I don't understand mother,I don't.I want to understand but i know I'm wrong.But what I'm doing isn't! I know it isn't because she told me,the lies I told you confirmed my stupidity,lustful ignorance.Was it worth shouting about? Screaming and smashing my favourite icons of the past? Did you want me to forget?

Did you want me to forget her? Isn't that what everyone was always telling me,to just move on? But how can I? Isn't it better to try and save her instead? Don't you want her to-!

I stop trying to listen to the creaking coming from the staircase right outside my slightly broken door and wipe my tears.My soulmate,my love,is dry now,the water has evaporated and the day will come soon,the holes that I pushed my fingers into deeply are not soaked with the strange liquid and are filling up with stuffing.Just like a normal bear.

Like a normal stuffed bear.

My mother will be home soon so the girl will leave without a welcome,I'm terrified of a repeat,a repeat of that day.My eyes give in as I rest my head on my cold pillow and give in to a night ending again,with the same unsatisfactory answer and tired eyes.