On Fire

When Despair turns to Rage

Third POV

David was the first to comment "I am extremely happy that your act went well or Stephen could have had the chance to host the main show. Glad we don't have to do that".
This incited giggles from the crowd and the judges. Even Ant smirked at Stephen who was looking at David in mock anger, but he was taken aback when Dec visibly flinched at his side.    

Amanda congratulated Leon for his acting skills but warned never to do that again. "I never felt so dreadful in my whole life and I certainly don't want to go through that again. And you being clumsy throughout the first few gigs really did the trick" .

Alesha was far more cross at him
"I don't know how to judge this act as it had put me through the worst day of my life. Even if you did it brilliantly I didn't enjoy it for a second".

Everyone was waiting for Simon to speak as they knew he didn't take the act well.
"I would have found your act brilliant if you hadn't had us terrified out there. I am really interested to know who all are involved in this act apart from those who were on-stage?"

Leon thought about it for a moment
"some of the crew members, ...a couple of medics, ...the people who helped me set the props ...and ...the producers"

What?!!  Simon snapped his head up " the producers knew about it?"

"...Yes Simon"

"Okay.. but why didn't you inform Ant about it ?"

"err... I didn't know who was to turn up"

"But you knew what your trick would have done to Dec. You could have explained it to Dec before putting such a reckless act"

"I know... but ...the producers asked me not to"

         Simon couldn't believe what he just heard and nor could Dec or anyone else. Ant couldn't hold back Dec from getting on the stage again, this time facing Leon.
"What did you just say? The producers asked you to hide it?They knew this all along?"

Dec could hear people screaming in his ears and he didn't care. He plucked his earpiece out in all fury. Leon could only nod as he tried to figure out what was going through Dec.

      Meanwhile, Ant's earpiece was blaring aloud "what is he doing ? Why is he on stage?Call him back now!! What's happening?Why is he doing this?"

Ant just looked at their camera knowing so well that the producers could hear him and said "I don't know. I was stuck in a box ,remember?"

He could figure out the sadness in Dec but not this fury. Dec gave one pointed look at Simon and went to the wings to stand next to Ant and waited for the imminent show break. Judges were rather pissed at Leon but they had to appreciate his talent and skill of acting. Leon came back from the stage with four rather uncomfortable Yes', dreading the moment he has to face Dec. But as he reached the wing, Ant shook his hand while Dec went straight to his dressing room.

Dec's POV

I am fuming inside. We had given all our energy and half our life for this show and this is what we get in return. They fucking used my feelings for Ant. They knew how much he loved his friend.  They bloody didn't care about his feeling. All they cared was figures. They knew he would be lost without his mate . They knew it all . Why would they care, all they did was play with other people's feelings. I bet Simon was unaware of it all. He wouldn't have let this happen.

Do they ever think about how the whole situation could have affected me? I was going out my head thinking I had lost Ant and all they cared about was bloody ratings. I could have got a heart attack or something, going through that ordeal.

I feel rage cursing through my bloodstreams. I close my fist and hit the wardrobe to ease my fury. But the pain just added the heat. I must be out of my mind. I didn't hear the door opening. But the hands on my shoulders felt familiar and I lean on to that contact.
"What is it Decky? Why are you so angry? I came back didn't I? Or is that what's making you angry?"

My head involuntarily snaps up to meet his eyes winking at me cheekily and something snaps inside me "Why the hell did you say that? Do you understand what's going through me? Do you have any idea what they had put me through and what I had to go through? And to think that they knew it all along. They fucking played with my feelings Ant".

I scoffed. "Whom are we talking about.They always played with feelings and we always bloody supported them. We always said that this is what the contestants had signed up for and they can't complain if their feelings are hurt and we bloody stood for them!"
I could feel my voice raising.
"We didn't sign up for these did we? I am here to host the show and not to bloody watch my friend being burnt so that it would make a bloody good TV for them. I didn't sign up for this! Anthony"
I know I am out of my mind. I look at Ant to see him staring at me rather dumbfoundedly.

"Decky.. snap out of it man..  we are the hosts of the show and this is what we do. We signed up for this pal". He puts his hands on my shoulders and pins me with his gaze "This is what we do son, we had always enjoyed it. Just leave it man, this our job. This is what we are here for"

He pulls me in for an AntMcpartlin hug "I love you man, just calm down.. all is well.. Okay?"

I smile at him knowing he could only get more tensed if he knew what was going through my mind.

I know what to do and I am bloody well going to do that.

I might have been shaking. Ant tightens his hold on me."I am okay Ant, it's just the shock wearing me off"

"Okay pal, you wanna go for a tea?"

"No, I just need sleep. I think I will lie down here for some time, alone" I can't meet his eyes.

"Okay ..and err.. I will be at the Editors room.. err you know to watch what all happened ..err when I was in ... the box err..you know..."

"I know Ant" I cut him out  "I will be fine"

"Come here son" he pulls me again for a short hug and I can't help but melt into it.

I hear the door opening and Stephen comes in.
"Hi guys, I just wanted to make sure..."

I sigh in aspiration "I am fine Stevey"

"No ,no! I just wanted to make sure you are still the most ticklish amongst us"

"Stop it... stop.. it..!!!!"
I can only laugh in submission as the two taller men tickled me mercilessly. I felt the bound up anger evaporating slowly. After a good few seconds of torture, they pull me for a short bro hug.

"I think I can use a sleep now" I say slowly. Both nod at me and move out after giving me an assuring smile. I watch as they shuffle out of the door, Stephen to pick out some weird acts for his show and Ant to finally watch the moments he missed during the show.
I have assured them that I will be resting. But I won't be resting until I did what I need to do.. what I must do .

I don't want Ant to know what I am up to. He will never let me do this. But I have had enough. The sheer terror of losing Ant is something burnt into my heart for the rest of my life. I know this could change our lives for good or bad. What I am going to do can pan out to be the most important and reckless decision we had ever taken. And Ant knows nothing about this. For the first time in 28 years, I am deciding for us. Alone. But I don't care. Not after everything I went through.
      
      I searched the wardrobe to find an old jacket of Ant and put it on instead of my trashed jumper. I wipe my face . I could feel exhaustion coursing through me. But I can't stop to think. Not now.
I pocket my phone and set out of the studio bowing my head low and trying to be away from the sight of anyone who could stop me from leaving the place.

TBC