Write To Me

Chapter 1

Song: Silent Storm- Carl Espen
Clarke
That day changed everything. I miss them & it's killing me. I miss him even more. I guess I just gotta keep breathing. For him. For them. It's silent alone. Stupid heart of mine, loving people and shit. What am I supposed to do with my life until then. Until they come back. I know what I'm afraid of. Not knowing if this is all worth it. Not knowing if I should give up or keep fighting. Keep having hope. Knowing why I have hope. Not knowing the purpose of hope or any of it. But I have it. Hope. Yet I'm losing my mind a bit with having it. I don't know if it's healthy with him taking up so much of my mind. I don't have anyone to keep me sane. I didn't have anyone until Madye.

When it happened I wasn't sure if I would survive. I thought I wouldn't survive. But then I did. When I met Madye she was still healing from Praimfaya. Like Luna did when she got infected by the killer virus before. Suffering with pain to soon be healed. Get the worst but then get better. When I saved her and helped her heal I promised her I'd never give up. On her or myself. I told her about the others and space. About Bellamy and Octavia. The 100 and the Grounders. Lexa, Indra, Lincoln, Raven, Murphy, Monty, & the rest. I drew photos of how I remember them. Madye loved the drawings. She kept them all. Their full names written on the bottom so I'd never forget. Monty Green. Jasper Jordan. Raven Reyes. Octavia Blake. Lincoln. Lexa. Nyko. Indra. Wells Jaha. Harper McIntyre. Abby Griffin. Nathan Miller. Marcus Kane. John Murphy. Bellamy Blake. The people most important to me.

Madye listened. I talked about the chaos. The pain. All I felt and feared. She understood. I know she did. It was hard for me. I was usually quiet about it. I didn't share much of what was on my mind ever. It wasn't that I was afraid to. I just never felt the need to. I didn't share everything that crosses my mind because I knew better than to believe everything that crossed it. I took my time. I assessed, observed, understood and even corrected my own thought to others influences. But when I did, when I do speak its going to be real. Something I really understand and have reason for. That I believe it matters and sounds true to me. That is what speaking is for. That is what was wrong with the world before. No one said what they feel. They held it inside. They were sad but refuse to cry. They were happy but they don't express it. They were angry but didn't let it out. Maybe because if they did they would feel ashamed of showing. Showing what was real. And it is the worst feeling in the world. Holding it in.

I wish they would've said what they felt. Like if they didn't like something. Or if they miss talking to someone. Or saying they love someone. I didn't get to say it. I didn't get to tell Bellamy I loved him. I wish I was honest before he was gone. Saving myself the trouble of being hurt that I didn't. I wasn't 100% ready to say it. I realize now, one ever is. No right time, but that's the point right. It means every moment is the right moment. You just go with your gut. You just say it. If you wanted to, you just gotta do it. That's what I regret. But I was never ready to be burnt by Praimfaya. Yet I did it. I suffered to live. I just had to do it. I had to save them. Get them out before it hit. And I did. That's what you do for the people you love. You put them before yourself. All I wanted was for them. For him to live.