"dangerous feeling"

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I feel dead inside. My heart beats with no rythnm, no purpose.I breath in but nothing comes out. I’m walking but barely standing, nothing to hold on to, slowly falling down into the oblivion of myself but what’s crazy is that in its own beautiful dark twisted way this feels…alright.

It’s quiet, loudly quiet. The silence roars and I’m wide awake. If you look closely in my eyes you will see… nothing and that’s the point, not a flame or a sparkle not even your reflection but if you pay attention you will notice that the lights are out, if you pay attention you will notice me, me in the dark, me in my comfort me not happy yet not sad not black yet not white, present yet absent.
falling down the hollow, can’t even save myself from myself. There is no electricity, I’m switched off, the curtains are down and I have never been better.

The truth is if I’m falling, if I’m switched off I can’t feel anymore. I might never feel happy ever again but I wouldn’t feel sad I may never feel love but I wouldn’t feel  need to be loved either, if I kill a part me who would be there to turn the switch on? Don’t I win?. I’m not crazy I’m insane, I was never lost I just chose to never go home. Rather be cold blooded than to feel anger, rather be dead than to feel pain.


“I  was never lost, I only chose to never go home”  – Matt Corby, Monday

Joel Akoto

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