tell me you love me (peterick)

v.

it was the winter of 2005, and patrick couldn't remember what it was like for his dreams to come when he was asleep.

all his thoughts were constantly in his head, symphonies of pain and regret and bitter loneliness. all his thoughts were constantly burning, matches and fireworks and the death of that chrysler 300. all his thoughts were thudding, drumbeats played on repeat.

he couldn't sleep anymore.

he watched the cracks on his ceiling as if begging hard enough would make them change; he watched the paint on the walls drip down until it dried, as if the raindrops weren't just going to tear it away in a hurricane of a moment.

he didn't know how to stop thinking.

there were too many things to think about, too many people to love, too many people to talk to, too many people to avoid. and sometimes all three were the same person, and all he could think about was what it would be like to fall asleep in his arms. patrick was drowning in his thoughts, drowning in the possibilities, drowning in the accusations, in the suggestions, in the well-meaning advice that only made him sink further down.

he was trying to forget, trying to pretend these things in his heart weren't real. it wasn't that he was in denial, it was that he was so done with hurting. he was the kind of person who loved with everything that was inside of him, and he was getting nothing in return. it was better to forget than to remember what you've lost and given.

patrick couldn't breathe anymore, the water had its eyes on his throat and its fingers on his vocal cords. he sang the words that were written for him and only him, and he knew what they were about. he knew about the other boys who he would never be quite as good as.

and it had been a chlorine summer, bleached grass threading through seaweed legs, sitting on coolers while night was just learning to be alive. it had been a summer for swimming, because he was treading in new waters, in new thoughts, in a place that was acceptance, that was hope.

but summer had passed, the sun had sunk, and it was winter now.

and it was a winter for drowning.