Parallels | Dylan O'Brien

29 - Amends

New York
- Dylan O'Brien-

I've been trying to distract myself, I really have. For the past three days, I've done nothing productive, but everything to keep Lydia off my mind. I try and keep the image of her crying and screaming at me, out of my mind. But it keeps haunting me. I keep seeing the tears, the anger, the sadness. I keep seeing how broken she looked. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I don't need to know everything. Maybe I need to tell her that I don't have to know, but that if she does want to talk about it, I'll be there. Or maybe I shouldn't. Because maybe she doesn't want to talk to me. At all.
"Ugh, fuck, Lydia," I groan and bury my head in my pillow.
It's two am and I'm cursing her name. I acted insane. Absolutely and completely insane. I'm so in love with her that it drove me crazy. It drove her away.

"You okay, bro?" Julia asks me when I finally make an appearance downstairs on day four. Tomorrow is the big day. The day Lydia leaves. The day she goes back to her universe. I can't believe it's already been a month. It doesn't feel like a month at all. Two weeks, tops.
"Yeah, I'm..." I take a deep breath, not entirely sure if I am, "I'm fine," Julia looks at me skeptically.
"You should talk to them," she then says curtly while I grab the cereal from the cupboard.
"To who?" I ask, looking at her. I open the box and start eating the breakfast goodie straight from it.
"Lydia and Scott. Especially to Lydia," she flips through the magazine in front of her on the breakfast isle. I sigh. She's not wrong. Not even far from. "She's leaving tomorrow, Dylan. It's now or never." Being reminded of the fact that she's leaving tomorrow, only adds fuel to the flame.
"Don't you think I know that, Julia? Don't you think I've been cursing at myself for the past three days that I should talk to her? That I want to hold her again and kiss her because I might never do that again?" I yell at her. It startles her. She hadn't seen that coming. Her eyes are wide, and she has stopped in her tracks, looking at me as if I'm some sort of monster that might eat her.
"I'm just scared she might not want to talk to me. That it doesn't feel the same to her as it does to me," I put the box on the counter in front of me, my appetite suddenly gone, and let my hands support my body on the counter as I sigh.
"Believe me, Dylan, she does feel the same. She hasn't left her house in four days. Holland has been trying to make her eat something, but nothing works," Julia tells me, but I'm not sure if my heart can take all this right now. It breaks with every word my sister says, especially when she walks towards me and puts her hand on my shoulder in comfort. "She needs you, baby bro. She really does. And you need her too," she lets go now and leaves the kitchen, leaving me alone. I go back up to my room and sit down on the edge of my bed. Julia is right, and I know it. I just don't know where to start apologizing for what I did. I even find it hard to find the words to apologize to Posey. A sigh leaves my body as I let myself fall back onto the bed. The ceiling isn't really going to give me answers either. I have to go to Lydia. I have to apologize. I have to. Even if it's the last thing I do. I get up from the bed and make my way downstairs where I put on some shoes and grab my keys before leaving the house. In the car, I try to find some words to say to her. Tell her I acted insane and that shouldn't have said she should've told me all of that. Tell her she doesn't have to tell me, but that I'll be there if she needs me to. Tell her I love her. More than anything.

Anxiety wells up inside of me as I stop on her driveway. There are two cars; Lydia's and Holland's. Thank Heavens no parents. For a couple seconds, I don't move and just stare at the house in front of me. I never realized how big and beautiful it actually was. Expensive, especially. With one breath intake, I get out the car and walk up to the front door where I ring the doorbell. A strawberry blonde girl opens the door, but it's not the one I need. It's not the one I fell in love with. It's Holland. She gives me a little smile, but I'm sure she's not happy to see me.
"Can I please talk to her?" I beg the girl. She bites her thick lips before opening the door further and letting me in. I wait in the hallway a second until Holland tells me where the girl I'm looking for is.
"She's upstairs in her room," she then tells me after I've heard the door shut.
"Thank you," I say, looking at her and giving her a little smile before heading up the stairs. The second door on the right is ajar, but I still knock and wait for an answer.
"No, Holly, I don't need soup!" I hear her yell annoyed. I take that as my cue to walk in. The girl lays on her stomach on the bed with something between her fingers. A picture. I walk in a little more, the floorboard creaking beneath my foot, making her look up. She looks pale, bags underneath her eyes and her hair scraped back, looking like it hasn't been washed in a few days. But still beautiful. It's a relieve seeing her alive. She doesn't really budge when she sees me, only her eyes are moving, following my movements as I walk towards her and sit down on the edge of the bed near her knees. The picture she's holding is one of us, one from at the beach. She must've printed it.
"Hi," I whisper, my eyes on my fingers in my lap as I tug at the skin at my nails.
"Hey," she whispers back, dropping the picture next to her head and looking at me. She looks sad, I'm worried she might actually be dead.
"Look, Lydia," I start, but stop to take a breath, "I wanted to apologize for the other day. I acted insane and I shouldn't have expected you to tell me those things. I know they're hard to talk about and I understand you don't want to talk about them. But I just need you to understand that I want to be here for you. If you do want to talk about them, or anything, for that matter, I'm here, okay? I'll listen, I'll hold you and I'll protect you from the darkness. For the time we still have, that is..." I trail off at the end, almost forgetting that she won't be here to protect after tomorrow. Now is the first time she's moved a limb since I came in as she sits up straight, with her back against the headboard. She grabs my hand in hers and squeezes it softly.
"I'm sorry too, Dylan. I shouldn't have yelled at you and I shouldn't have said those things," she draws in a deep breath before continuing in a whisper, "but I'm scared. People have left me for that exact reason. A couple of my friends left after the first attempt, others at the second, and the last ones after the third. I had no one left besides Justin. I'm just scared I might lose you too," a single tear rolls across her cheek, but I'm fast enough to catch it with my thumb. I scoot closer towards her, her hand still holding on to mine and my other hand stays on her cheek.
"I wouldn't. I would never leave you, Lydia. No matter what darkness hides inside of you, no matter what illness, no matter what universe we're in... I wouldn't ever leave or forget you. Never," I reassure her, and I swear I see a small smile tugging at her lips. "I love you, Lydia Cordelia Moon," I whisper, and she smiles, either at her full name or at the three words in front of it.
"I love you too, Dylan O'Brien," she replies and moves towards me, meeting my lips somewhere in the middle. It's a sweet and tender kiss. Nearly as sweet as her.
"Now I think you should apologize to someone else," she tells me sternly when we retreat from the kiss. I look at her for a second, knowing exactly what she means. Part of me wished she had forgotten that and I could just spend the day here, with her in my arms without having to worry about Posey.
"But it's our last day together, Lydia. I can apologize to Tyler tomorrow," I want to lean in again to kiss her, but she holds a hand in front of my lips.
"No, I want you to make up with him today," she insists, her eyebrow raising just to emphasize. I sigh and contemplate fighting her on this, but I'm tired of fighting. So, instead, I get up from the bed and make my way towards the door.
"I'll come back, okay?" I tell her, and she smiles, nodding, "And please, eat something?"
"Yes, Dylan. Now go!" I nod and walk out. Out of her bedroom and out of the house. I drive to Tyler's place, but I don't get out of the car yet. I think about what to tell him, how to apologize. Do I tell him I was acting insane? Do I blame love? Do I blame myself for being so head-over-heels in love with her? Or do I just tell him it won't happen again. It wouldn't be a lie as the love of my life is actually gone tomorrow and a complete other version of her will take her place. I take a deep breath and get out of the car. Here goes nothing. I ring his doorbell and wait for him to open the door. When he finally does, his expression immediately changes from kind to angry in a split second. The split second he needs to realize it's me.
"Hey, Posey," I start, "Listen, I just wanted to apologize for the other day. I know I haven't been the greatest friend and I totally broke the bro-code... I acted completely insane and I shouldn't have let our friendship become a victim to that. There are things I probably shouldn't have said, and I'm sorry, Tyler. I really am," I feel a single raindrop fall onto my face, but nothing can faze me now. I need to apologize to my best friend. I need to make amends.
"I don't think you realize that I'm all you have left after she's gone tomorrow, Dylan," he starts and part of me wished he wouldn't have. "You're right, you are nobody without her and you'll always be a nobody. But you are my friend. You were my best friend, but you ruined that for what? A girl? A complete and utter bitch who somehow became nice because she switched places with her parallel self? Do you know how mental that sounds? Do you realize how fucking mental you became since she got here?" he yells at me, and I try my hardest to keep my temper, but the second he calls her a bitch and calls me mental, I lose it and push him against the doorframe. I push him hard, so I hard I almost hear some bones break. "Really? You want to fight me?" he pushes back, and I stumble a little, but I can keep my balance. The anger raises inside of me, and I push him again, making him fall to the ground. I go with him and sit on top of him, grabbing him by his shirt. He doesn't even try to get out of my grip, he just lies there beneath me, looking a little frightened. It gives me power somehow, power I don't want to have over my best friend.
"How dare you call her a bitch when you know what she's been through? How dare you take advantage of the information she gave you about her past to use it against us and to break us apart? How dare you call yourself a friend when you pull something off like this? I don't know you like this, Tyler. We used to be best friends and now you let this come between us? This isn't you and you know it. And I do understand that I broke the bro-code, but this girl, Posey, this girl. She's so amazing and I wish you could see that..." I get off of him and help him up too. Both of us are a lot calmer now, we don't want to fight anymore. We don't want to be angry anymore.
"I'm sorry, Dyl. I know I shouldn't have let it get to me, but it did. I'm sorry I came between the both of you and I'm sorry for being such a shitty friend," for once in those ten minutes, he doesn't sound like he wants to kill me. "I really am sorry," I nod and hold out my arms to hug him. This feels good. I have my girlfriend back and my best friend doesn't hate me anymore. "You're not a nobody, Dylan. You've never been," he mumbles in my ear. It feels nice to hear that. Especially when it comes from him. We let go of each other and just stand there for a moment, letting the rain soak us completely.
"I'm going back to Lydia's. Do you want to come with? We could eat something together, maybe watch a movie?" I suggest, not one bone in my body thinks he would agree, but then he nods to my surprise. The both of us smile and high five before getting into my car and driving to Lydia's. Things might work out for the last day of being together. I wish we had a little while longer together. I wish Lydia didn't have to go.

When we arrive at Lydia's, Holland opens the door again. Her smile is a lot brighter now, a little surprised even. Probably by the sight of Tyler next to me. The girl lets us in and leads us to Lydia in the kitchen. She's cooking up a storm, making lunch for the both of us. I cough, signaling our arrival. She turns around and her eyes widen when she sees the two of us.
"You two are soaking wet!" she states the obvious, "Dyl, I think you left some of your clothes here, maybe you could wear those," she reminds me, and I nod. I did leave a couple shirts and sweats here. Tyler and I make our way upstairs, talking about some random stuff, and change into dry clothes. The wet ones, we hang on the radiator in the bathroom before heading downstairs again. Holland eats lunch with us as we talk about what's movies we want to watch. Neither of us can seem to come to one we all would like to watch.
"Maybe we should go simple and go with Lydia's favorite movie?" Holland suggests, taking a fork filled with salad into her mouth.
"10 Things I Hate About You," I say, and it makes Lydia smile that I remembered. Posey smiles too for some reason, but I have no clue why exactly. When everyone's agreed and we've all finished our salads, the four of us sit down in the living room and Holland puts on the movie. I'm wedged in between Holland and Lydia, and I have my arm protectively around her. I can't believe I actually went three days without seeing her, without holding her. I can't believe I actually have to say goodbye to her tomorrow. Like, officially. She'll be gone forever after tomorrow, leaving us with the old Lydia. The narcissistic woman who only does what's best for her and never thinks about what other people think or feel. I already miss this Lydia and she's not even gone yet.