No One of Us

Part 1

Loving was forbidden. It was possible, but totally forbidden. We know that there are some of us who break this rule, so that "He" did not know we would pretend we did not know either. Some of us broke it and we call them rebels. Once you felt this feeling you could not stop, so it was forbidden, we were considered corrupted and no longer useful. We were trained not to have compassion, we would work as a team but we would abandon one of us no matter if necessary. The reason that was passed from generation to generation but never proven was "You need to be good judges and that feeling would hinder the judgment power of all of you, those who love will turn fallen angels and will be sent to hell immediately". We never saw "Him", everyone spoke of him but he never showed and we feared him, because we all stopped here without even knowing where we came from, we simply opened our eyes and without understanding what happens we are already put in training , when finally everything seems clearer for us, we have already managed to shoot and hit targets with precision, with whipping and punishment even worse if we were wrong. We were controlled by fear of the unknown and did our job perfectly to avoid pain. We are a team of 20, we never saw how many we are in total, but we know that we are many by the state of the training camps that often showed materials already worn and destroyed very quickly, which would not happen if only 20 of us were training. Now I'm here, lying down, tired but not as tired as before, when the fatigue was worse, my body was already more resistant to tiredness and I could stay ok after a good nap. I turn around and try to close my eyes, it's quiet to sleep even if 20 of us are in the same room, everyone obeys the law of silence at night and it seems that I'm alone, even though I've never been since I opened my eyes I'm with them, training, eating, learning, sleeping and being punished. Before closing my eyes, I noticed eyes staring at me, those in the bed next to me were staring at me, he was called by the name Krist, we were all called by some name even though we rarely exchanged conversations, but a name was necessary for us identify. He realizing that I caught him, quickly turns around and seems to go to sleep with his back to me. I found it strange, I had never looked into anyone's eye, let alone noticed someone looking at me so far, except those who punished us who were always masked with only their eyes uncovered. Soon I can sleep and for the first time my mind works even asleep, eyes fixed on me, there is a face, only the eyes, dark but fixed and I feel a tremor in my body just looking at them, suddenly I see myself opening my eyes and looking at the ceiling of the bedroom, the siren that rings to wake us up made me realize that it was time for us to rephrase the routine, but before getting up I look at the next bed and Krist is staring at me again, but this time with sleepy eyes which made me feel a tremor again, he realizing I'm looking, gets up quickly and goes to the concentration room where we should go as soon as we wake up to be taken by one of the masked to be watched in the higienes and initial meals, I follow Krist and the others into the room but not taking those eyes off of my head, I simply did not understand those tremors that I just felt in looking into Krist's eyes. "Please, let it not be love," I kept repeating in my mind, even though I did not know what love was, I police myself so I would not get out of the routine I was used to and safe, but feeling tremors just seeing Krist was unusual and I did not want to go to hell. Now we are in training, my weapon has always been bow and arrow, even though we are trained with several weapons, our mastery should be in the bow and arrow, the targets were the center of the chest of the dolls used in training, they said that there was a weak point that they call "heart" and that only then would a work succeed, with an arrow in that "heart". Even though I did not know who and when we would fight against, I feared them, because a job without success was doubled punishments and even "hell" as punishment. It was Krist's turn to shoot, he is not the worst of us but in every routine he suffers punishment for not being one of the best and I feel another tremor to see him be whipped for not hit the center of the target, I'm called and prepare for shoot, I can hit all the targets but that's it, there is no gratification or compliments, because we are doing nothing but "our work" according to them. At the end of all the routines we are taken to the bedroom again to sleep, as I look back at the next bed, again I see Krist looking at me, he was with his hair and body a little wet because of the last bath that we had, I saw that and felt my face warm, I turned around and tried to close my eyes so that I could sleep as fast as possible, the silence was loud, something I had never cared about before, everyone was already asleep and I was wide awake thinking about eyes, hair and Krist's body, if this is love I have to hide this very well, I can not feel it, they can not figure it out. Lost in my thoughts I do not notice something moving in my bed and when I finally feel a heat on my back I turn and I get scared to see Krist on top of me, asking me to be silent with one finger, all the tremors that I felt this was the strongest and I looked him in the eyes without understanding what was calling me so much attention in them, but soon came a thought, I could not let anything happen, if they suspected that I could be feeling love I would be sent to hell all because of Krist, when I opened my mouth to send him out he interrupted me, "Somehow I remember you" Krist whispered almost inaudible, another tremor, but how to remember me? "Remember me how?" I reply, whispering, "Touching me" he whispers again with the face closest to mine, and once again I tremble, I ask "How?" without taking my eyes from him, I do not believe his words, he did not answer me, but instead he brings his hand up to my face, conutorning my face, my cheek and my nose with the tips of his fingers from which I felt him tremble 'does he tremble because of me too?' I thought, and then he touched my lips and contoun them, at that moment I ran out of breath because of the unexpected touch and I open my mouth for air, I have trembled without stopping and I can not think straight, he seeing my mouth open, breathe fast and seems to lose his breath as well, without even realizing I feel something soft on my lips, it was his lips on mine, sucking and pressing, I did not move and just felt him move over my mouth, but soon needed air and I pushed him a little to open my mouth and try to fill my lungs as fast as possible, but it was impossible because he puts his tongue inside my mouth and moves it trying to suck mine, at that moment the little sanity I had loses and I receive it without resisting, I mimic it and make the same movements that make him more aggressive with the tongue and hold my shoulders firmly, I try to put a hand to his face without even understanding why, as if it were something natural, but before this my mind come to control, and the only thing I do automatically is to push him away abruptly from our contact, he's hot and his eyes are lost in mine, breathing fast and I believe I'm the same as him, but I can not go on with it, for his sake and mine this can not go on, I whisper with a certain tone of anger but almost unsuccessfully at being still catching my breath "It never happened and never touch me or talk to me again" I'm grabing his arms to hurt them even in the inner me not wanting and looking at him with contempt, he seems to have his senses back and he looks at me with his eyes full of tears but none falls and without speaking he goes to his bed and lies with his back to me and I was sleepless waiting for the beginning of our routines simply by staring at the ceiling and fighting the urge to look at his back. Since then my performance in training has fallen, not much, but enough to bother the masked ones and after a long time without punishments, I get whipped again. From the corner of my eye I see Krist with a shaky look, I realize that he is uncomfortable seeing me receive punishment, but I can not do anything, I need to pretend that we do not care about each other, but one thing I can not deny, touching Krist was something that seemed natural, as if it were usual to touch him, and since then Krist and his touches have not left my mind.

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I hope you have enjoyed the first part, I have not corrected very carefully and I thank anyone who finds some mistake and warn me, because it is the first time I write after almost a decade and english is not my native language.

See you later on part two!