The Stories of My Heart

Painful

The way I feel is painful.

I'm stuck in between killing myself and seeing what's in the future.

But at this point, my future looks like a t.v screen when it's off.

At this point I feel like all this I'm doing doesn't have an actual meaning anymore I'm just doing it so I'm not bored.

Because when I'm bored I over think.

An for someone who lives with a big blemish in their brain wiring called depression.

Overthinking could lead to why my future is dark.

And when I try to reach my future I just make more friends.

They say keep your friends close and your enemies closer but my friends are memories carved into my wrists and thighs

My friends are my reminders on why I'll never be good enough and they're reminders on why my memories aren't there.

My memories aren't there because my subconscious learned a magic trick.

It's a disappearing act.

What's disappearing is all the memories and even people who have or will hurt me so bad, me remembering would bring me to my future.

Forgetting is my subconscious way of trying to tell me there's so much more.

So much more in life that if I say goodbye too early then I can't do something big.

Saying goodbye too early means no more people asking "are you okay?"

"I'm alive" Is probably what I answer the most.

I'm alive has so many meanings behind it, doctors diagnosis it with multiple personality disorder.

Or MPD for Short.

Its main meaning is, I wish on was a lie.

But it being a lie means me seeing my future.

Me seeing my future means killing myself.

What's worse is I actually want to.

The way I feel is painful