Ok idk what to do so i guess i'll just right it sorta like a story with chapters and shit idk.
So as i am writing this i am 16 the date is March 2nd 2018 on a Friday. Right now my thoughts keep racing towards 'whats the point in doing anything' , 'why are you forcing yourself to stay up so late you don't do anything and no one wants to talk to you.' with only youtube distracting me from writing this.
I have been self harm free for maybe a week now (i think last week all i did was drag a blade lightly against my skin causing it to irritate it and i accidentally cut my skin a bit...... oof) and rn i just wanna grab the blade and dig into my skin and allow the blade to get as deep as it want like i used to. But last time that happened i almost needed stitches and i uh.... scared my mom.
One thing that i noticed about me is i can't stick to one thing when i have so much on my mind. Like rn..... sorry... bare with me please....
I have also noticed a few other things like i need to be doing shit so i don't feel so worthless or depressed but at the same time i feel like its just a temporary solution that i need to keep doing even at night. Or else i am laying in bed for hours thinking about depressing shit that makes me just wanna cut and end the suffering because i feel like no one will miss me.
i was gonna name a third thing but i forgot it..... :/ sorry if i remember i will randomly blurt it out.
School has been getting harder. Not the 'idk what to do' harder but the 'why do i need to do this whats the point i just wanna sleep my life away because i am just worthless' harder.
I just remembered what i was gonna say. I have also noticed that no matter what when i have a few months of being happy something comes and destroys me and i end up lower into this dark whole of depression then before. And it just keeps getting harder to fight to climb up.
Ok rn i am wondering why i am even doing this. No one is gonna read it. :/
Not only am i thinking that for that reason. I am thinking that because i just realized people will think i am just using it for attention when i is not :(
But i guess you just gotta not care what people say..
Any way idk what to do for this book i have so many things running through my mind and i don't wanna just jump all over the place and confuse your mind even more.... i guess maybe i will post it?
idk i guess so.
for the next chapter uhh what would you like to hear if you care?
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a story about my past
another weird chat of whats on my mine
how i deal with self harm
idk you choose idc. By the time i am finishing it is 2:58..... show how much i procrastinate even with someone i need to do..... blehhhh anyway ya i'mma head to bed night. maybe if i am lucky i don't wake up
that was a joke calm thy self.
YOU ARE READING
My thoughts and my struggles
Non-Fictionthis is not a story. I have spent years of my life struggling with suicidal thoughts, anxiety, self-harm, eating disorder-ish (idk what to call it), low self-a-steam, depression, etc. And i never figured out how to actually tell people what i feel...
