The One Who Didn't Die

25. This Is Real

March 2019

"Serena Barnes."

I approached the stage with methodical steps; one foot in front of the other. I was speaking at one of the bigger fundraisers for my 'Made Simple' foundation. The cause of my tentative actions was of course not having to address a crowd, or even being asked to speak at this specific important gathering, it was a matter of what I was speaking about.

"When I was asked to speak here tonight, I was nervous and unsure about the whole shebang. I just immediately thought that there was nothing I could possibly offer; no motivation I could give, no inspiration I could be to anyone." I started off. "Three months ago when I was approached, I started thinking about me, my life and what I've been through; I thought about a specific 12 months in my life. The most difficult 12 months of my life by the way. 2017 started out with me having found out my older sister had died, I ended a relationship, fell deeply in love and chased a dangerous man. I went through depression as I grieved, almost lost my best friend, lost a baby, got kidnapped a second time in my life and then actually lost my best friend." I said. Inhale. Exhale. The tension in the room had grown slightly. Not that I was expecting people to be used to that kind of heaviness as their introduced to a speaker of a fundraiser, one of the Made Simple events no less.

"I thought about all of this and then I realized that, maybe I did learn some lessons along the way, and maybe those lessons are worth sharing. I have yet to say all of this aloud in one go, without getting emotional, you have been officially warned, and that too is part of this journey, a journey that has been less than easy and has not spared me any luck." I said looking down again with a smile. "It has been 15 months since the end of those long, almost endless months and I have finally stopped wondering and stopped asking myself so many questions because after having no answers for the longest of times, I realized, or rather, I learnt that finding them was not as important as finding out who I was after everything had happened. I taught myself to live again as I learnt about myself in the new context. I taught myself to love again and learnt that I really was enough for me to be happy, and that having people I chose to have around only added to that." I said.

"I am just a 26-year-old woman with a heck of a lot of baggage and a crazy story for you today, with the hope that through my journey you will all able to learn about how even after the toughest of trials, you can get up again and walk through it, like I did." I said turning the page of the beginning of the speech I had prepared.

Three pages and a bit is all it came to; the experiences I had lived through and the knowledge I had gained from a little over a year of life came to three pages and a bit. There was a lot that had gone into the preparation though, I mean it in that I had to actually had to live it all out and boy did it make for a good story. One filled with tears, laughter, anger and a whole lot of music. But it was also allowed room for discovery, new love, adventure, and more music.

I never did cry during the speech. I made it the entire way without shedding a single tear. Although in all fairness, I came close.

I opened the door to my house, dropping the shoes I was wearing off in the foyer. I walked further and placed my bag and notebook on the bench in the hallway alongside my blazer. I walked straight through my living room then through the dining area adjacent of it, light from outside shining right in.

So much had changed. It had been 15 months since December 2017 and seven months since I had moved out of my old house and into the lakeside beauty I now called home. It was good to be somewhere quiet. It was a place I could go to rest, surrounded by peace and no busyness. It gave me the room to focus on my work in an amazing way that was allowing me to produce some of my best work, although admittedly, I had already thought that about "Naked Soul." Looking at it realistically the new album "Stronger" was too different to the previous one for me to compare them. The house was far from everyone else in my life in Nashville, but it was nothing we hadn't already worked around with the usual pop in visits.

The old house had also smelt of him, of Daryl. It had too many memories of him; in the bed, the kitchen, living room, the bedrooms, my studio and even my bathroom. They were all a painful reminder of what I had lost, more than what I still had in, or even could gain from the environment. I felt it best for me to be living somewhere else, and although his name would remain on my hand and his face in my mind, although he would always be a part of who I am today, I didn't want to have to live in a house that did not bring me joy anymore. I had to find and create my own happiness without him, without Daphne, somewhere different, somewhere new.

The genuine fulfilment I found without Daryl, I didn't do alone. I had found and trusted in something greater than myself, someone greater than myself. Having been at the lowest point in my life, I was drawn to the promises of the Lord of peace, protection and of everlasting, unconditional love. All I had to do was give my life to Him and continue to walk on a path that made my relationship with Him stronger, and even when it was hard to I had the assurance that He would be there to guide me and to heal me. He accepted the lost soul I was and He fixed my brokenness. He forgave me and I found what I did not know I was looking for in Him. I knew God wasn't a promise of an easier life, but it was a promise that even in the tough, He would strengthen me to rise again. All of that is how I made it this far.

I continued to walk out the back doors of the house, the main culprits and sources of all the sunlight in the living area, until I could feel the grass between my toes. I rolled my pants up twice, and then walked on. The cold, wet sand of the river bank was under my feet and I sat down right there on it.

The water washed over my feet in small waves as I sat with my legs bent. One by one, on and on, the small movements of water washed over my feet. Bit by bit, wave after wave, tranquillity came over me. I was free to live my life wholly in Christ; I would always live with the memories and the pain, but I would also always be strong through it, because of it. I closed my eyes and I was at peace. Inhale. Exhale.

"Every wish I've wished, every dreamed I've dreamed,

Cannot compare.

Every song I've sung, every voice I've heard

Cannot compare.

Everything I feel, all the love I've felt

Cannot compare

Oh Lord, you have touched my heart. Oh Lord you have blessed me.

Oh Lord I have felt your presence. And nothing will compare to your Majesty."

I have legit just sat with this chapter since the end of August. I guess it was strange knowing it's the last one and publishing it then would have solidified the fact. Anyway, hope you enjoyed this last one and I hope this story has was a good ride! Don't forget to leave a little vote, it won't hurt anybody. Thank you for taking the time and effort to read whatever part of OWDD you did, especially those 4000 word chapters XD. Goodbye for now xx