shuffle & repeat - oneshots [complete]

the background

from one of my all time favorite albums. this is extremely somber. written in awsten's perspective.

"i live in the numbness now, in the background"

  ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:**:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧  

there is nothing now, nothing beyond the silence. the silence that bites through my jugular vein, the silence that drinks the blood which flies so freely from within. it rips through my paper thin skin and rips the flesh from my bones, gutting me and leaving me hollow.

everything is dark now. the colors have faded from my eyes, leaving me blind. the flowers of spring have long since blossomed for the summer and rotted away for the winter. the leaves on the trees have all crumbled and fallen to the ground; though i know they crunch beneath my feet i cannot hear it.

instead, my mind always travels back to you. the depths of the ocean bring to light memories of your eyes, and how they sparkled beneath the light of a billion twinkling stars when we would lay beneath the blanket of night. when i breathe in and catch the scent of daisies in my nose and on my tongue, i feel myself wrapped in your embrace. however, it is no longer gentle and secure - it is now choking. your memory wraps its fingers around my throat and steals the words from out of my gaping mouth.

why did you have to leave me? what about her embrace was so much warmer than mine that you had to abandon me? were her kisses more tender? did her eyes hold your gaze the way mine never could? did she catch all the stars you loved to watch so much...did she travel to the moon and back a thousand more times than i ever could have?

this is all i am left with now. you still won't speak to me, no matter how often i visit you. no matter how often i call your name, you never respond.

i cried a lot at first. my eyes would easily overflow, and i'd be left stranded on an isle of loneliness in my bedroom. no matter who would hold me, no matter what comforting words were forcefully stuffed into my ears, none of them could fill the hole tearing through my heart. they would assure me that i would recover, that i would move on from us.

but how can i move on from all that i am?

you are all that i will ever be. i devoted myself to the religion of your touch and saw the light only when our eyes met or our lips connected.

you were the lighthouse that would always guide me home, and you've now turned off your lights and left me to guide myself through the storm. i was not ready, and you knew this - and yet you left me all the same.

now i am left in the wreckage of all i ever was, trying desperately to fit the fragments of myself together. but the fragments are splintered and frayed, they no longer match each other! you took with you the pieces which tied all of me together! you are nothing more than a thief!

you steal from the hearts of all those around you! after a life-time of giving you came and took and took and took and left me all empty and cold. everything is so cold. so cold. so cold.

i am shaking now. my hands, my heart, my lips - they all tremble as if i might seize. from the fault in my heart comes a tremor, like that of an earthquake, and i am on the floor. i am a mess of teardrops and red cheeks and i scream but nobody hears me. you don't come even when i rip your name out from my broken throat, you don't answer my calls, you don't awaken from your sleep no matter how many nights i sleep in the dirt by your side.

but then - i know this is life. in life is loss, in loss there is life. from death we can be reborn in the world; i feel your voice whisper in the willow trees in the woods you used to love. in the air blowing from the open ocean i can feel your arms surround me. in everything around me remains a piece of you, too small to make physical but just enough to remind me of your presence.

though mother nature has taken your hand into her own and led you into the next world, i know i shall find you waiting at the end of time when i get there.

and this is all that gives me hope. i cannot wait until you bring me into your arms again, so i can stare into your ocean eyes and feel your skin against mine.

you are all that i ever was, but i myself am all that i will ever be.