shuffle & repeat - oneshots [complete]

you could be happy

i wanted to write something based on this song but not necessarily gawsten. letter from awsten to geoff.

"you could be happy - i hope you are"

  °。°。°。°。°。°。°。゜。°。°。°  

i suppose i always knew - i knew that i wasn't the right fit. i was the loud, the boisterous. the splatter of paint on the white canvas. the music blaring through amps, a gunshot into the silent night. a single satellite floating through a blank midnight sky.

and you - you were the first buds on the trees in april. the quiet amidst the chaos of the modern world. a breath of fresh air, a summer breeze. you were soft and full of magic - the kind of magic that didn't grace tv screens or light up storybooks, but the kind of magic that was held within twinkling eyes and first kisses.

and i guess that's why we were never meant for anything more than this. we were two stars that belonged in different skies. this realization was not sudden - it took a long time. a long period of deep hurt unlike any other. the nights i spent blaming myself, cursing and pounding my fists against the wall. inching myself down onto the floor in a fit of tears in the shower. nights spent staring at the sky through my window, devoid of any feeling at all. just a whiff of you in the air was enough to turn my stomach onto its head, send a deep pang of raw feeling straight into the deepest crevice of my heart. i'd see your picture, hear your name, and everything would feel new again. as if the wound had been reopened for the thousandth time, salt poured straight down my veins to dry up everything inside.

the healing process never ends. the scar truly never fades.

and i've come to realize how good that really is.

we don't need to fully recover. we don't need to be what we were. we just need to be. i'd sure hate to be the same guy i was six months ago, a year ago, ten years ago. i'm growing and i only wish i could continue to grow with you.

but i still cherish the brief period in our histories that collided. holding you. kissing away the bruises. not knowing that my kisses dug deeper into your skin than i ever meant them to. and i'm sorry for that most of all - knowing that i was ultimately the cause of the pain you had sought an escape from. i couldn't be the oasis in your desert, i could only serve to be a mirage.

and i'm sorry i did that.

and i'm sorry about the time i yelled at you until you cried. and i'm sorry for all the nights i cried into your shoulder, without ever finding the time to hear your own pains or wipe away at your eyes. i'm sorry i took your already broken heart and further splintered the pieces. i hope you know that this time, i truly mean everything i say.

i don't think i'll ever rid my dreams of your crystal blue eyes. and honestly - i don't think i want to. i still stand by the words i said that night in the garden. every word. and i can promise you that every kiss, every gift, every hug, all of it was genuine. even if it hurt you, ripped you to shreds - know that i held only the purest of intentions. the love i gave to you was one that you couldn't truly receive. and that's not your fault. or mine. or anybody's, really.

i hope you're happy. i really do. i hope that you can find someone whose kisses are as magical as yours. someone who can hold you up, just like you do for everyone around you. someone who can help you mend the sections of your heart, light up the spark inside your soul again. and know that the only person who can truly fix you is yourself - you are the mender of your own broken bones. the teller of your own story.

you will be the one to set yourself free.

i hope this can lay to rest the suspicions that i may have planted in your heart. i just want you to know that i didn't mean to say what i said. to do what i did. i thought that we could grow together, but my growth would only serve to cut you further down. and i fear if you grew to your full potential, you might drown me in your shadows. there is a boundless love that grows in my heart, like a garden in full bloom. and i want you to know that. i don't care if you throw this away, erase the memory of ever opening it up. i just hope you do open it. once.

may you continue to light the world with your natural shine, and may the world be forever blinded by the brilliance of all your colors.

- aws.