Finding Faith

Too

Why can't I be better ?

Why don't I believe ?

Why do I question every good thing that happens to me ?

Last chapter, I told y'all I had faith. I had changed so much things to be a better Christian. Changed my music from Post Malone and PnB Rock, to Lecrae and Ty Brasel . Went from SZA, Eric Bellinger, and Kailani to Tasha Cobbs, Erica Cumbo and William McDowell.

Now, I'm not saying listening to secular music is sinful and you're going to hell for it. I just knew what I personally had to do to get on the right track with God. And changing my music taste was one of it. It's different for everyone. What worked for me, may not work for you.

But I had changed a lot because I wanted to be serious with God. Yeah, I slipped up. I went back to those things God told me to run from, committed sins I'd hate for my parents to see me commit, and thought things so dirty even your city's local garbage disposal couldn't compare to it.

Although I was changing things physically, was I changing anything on the inside ?

I thought I could do it all by myself, that if I do this and that, that God will accept me.

Even before writing this chapter, I still had that mindset. But as I write this and think of everything I've struggled with, I realized I can't do anything. Nothing I can do can "win" God over. Yeah change your ways, run away from things that cause you to stray away from God. But we must stop thinking we have to earn God's love and that His love for us is based on whether we do our bible study today or whatever it may be.

Perhaps that's the reason I fell through the cracks of my broken faith.

Yes, this story is about how I'm losing and faith and wondering why. But to understand, you must have the backstory first.

And even as I write these sentences, I'm still struggling. But it's a process.

A process I pray and hope I overcome.

I look at people who have such strong faith and I wonder why can't I have that too.

But it's not about wanting to be like others. It's about wanting to be strong in Christ. We must stop comparing ourselves to the people around us.