Finding Faith

Eight

What if I told you I still struggled?

That the pain of unbelief still stung and that my faith still shook?

Would you say I'm a fraud? That I'm not "serious" about this God thing?

I tried so hard to believe. And I know you did too.

But sometimes we don't believe. We simply can't believe and lack of faith is just what it is.

My flesh and soul continuously say no to God but my spirit refuses to let up.

My spirit refuses to let my soul die.

God Himself refuses to let my soul die.

Why can't I believe?

Because the devil doesn't give up either.

God help me !

I've tried everything. Looked for signs, tried to think of the faith others have, listen to music.

Everything.

Last night I had a dream. In the dream, the whole world was dying of disease and so was I. In the dream, I had already accepted death. I wasn't afraid of it. What I was afraid of, was where I was going after. Then the same question flooded my mind.

Is Christianity the true religion? In the dream, I couldn't decide over Islam or Christianity and was so afraid.

I woke up with relief. Woke up with relief that it wasn't real and that I have faith in God.

But did I ?

I hate my lack of faith.

I hate the way I think.

I hate that it feels like my prayers aren't answered.

What is wrong with me?

Jesus, what is wrong with me?

Why can't I just believe?

But you see, that's what the devil wants. He wants us to feel that way. He wants us to believe that there is something wrong with us so that we accept his tricks.

But we must stand. We have to keep on fighting.

But God, it's so hard. I can't do this anymore, I can't keep on fighting for nothing.

But God says, it's not for nothing.

Philippians‬ ‭3:14‬ says, "I keep running hard toward the finish line to get the prize that is mine because God has called me through Christ Jesus to life up there in heaven."
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Keep on running. Run hard. Run fast. Keep on fighting that unbelief.

I thought I was done with this story, but it seems I am not. I had to share this. I'm in so much pain, so much doubt right now. But God hasn't given up on me. He won't give up on me. The battle may still go on but remember God never loses. His team always wins.

Which team are you on?