Her Own Wings

Liz, After Suicide Attempt

She opened her eyes, and she found herself in a strange room.  She was in a bed, but she didn't know where she was.  She tried to sit up, but couldn't.  She found her hands and ankles were restrained.  She was just about to start yelling for help when a nurse walked in.  She quickly shut her eyes to pretend to be sleeping, to see what the nurse did.  The nurse walked over to the bedside, and just stood for a couple moments, then started to walk out.  She stopped just before she opened the door and said, "I know you're awake.  If you'd like some water, you'll need to open your eyes, stop pretending and ask."  She paused for a moment longer, and when she decided she wasn't going to say anything, she pushed the door and started to walk out.

Liz decided her throat was very dry, and she did want water.  She very simply said, "Water please."

The nurse turned and smiled, and said, "Yes, sweetheart.  I'll be right back with some water."  She then walked out of the room.  As she walked out, Dr. Smith walked in.  Dr. Smith was an older woman, but she was beautiful, and reminded her very much of an older version of the mother she created in her imaginary world.

"Good afternoon.  I'm glad to see you are back with us.  We've all been concerned about you.  How do you feel?"  Dr. Smith pulled the chair up to the side of the bed near her, and gave her a gentle smile.

"Can I get these restraints off, please?   It's not comfortable, and I need to stretch out, and I'd like to sit up, and maybe go to the bathroom."

"We should talk for a little bit, so I can assess how you're doing.  I heard the nurse saying she's getting you some water and a straw.  If you are doing well, yes, I'll take them off.  We want to keep you safe.  Do you know where you are, and why you're here?"

"No, I'm not sure where I am right now.  I know I was taken to the hospital because I cut myself, but I zoned out, and woke up in here.  I assume I'm still at the hospital."

"You 'zoned out' as you call it two weeks ago.  We have been unable to communicate with you.  We've had to feed you through a NG tube, and catheterize you.  You missed your sons' funeral. "

"WHAT!  I missed my son's funeral?  Oh my god.  My husband must be pissed."

"Why do you immediately assume he's going to be 'pissed'?  Does he get mad at you a lot,?"

"Well, yes and no.  I mean, he gets mad when I do something stupid.  He doesn't say I'm stupid, but it's what he means, ya know?  He's a wonderful husband, and a great Father.  He tells me all the time how beautiful I am, how smart I am, how much he loves me.  But, yeah, if I do something boneheaded, he gets mad."

"So, like your father, huh?  Do you sometimes feel like he acts like a father to you?"

"Dr. Smith, where am I?  Am I still in the hospital, or have I been moved?  And, where is that water?  I'm thirsty.  Can you release me now, please?"

"You just changed the subject when I asked if Jack acts like a father.  I wonder why?  And, you are still in the hospital, and we were planning to move you this afternoon, as a matter of fact, to a psychiatric hospital facility so I could watch you more closely.  Ah, here's your water now.  Thank you Nurse Linda.  And, to release you, we need to chat a little longer first, ok?  Here, take a sip."  Dr. Smith held the straw just a little in front of her mouth so she could open her mouth and take a sip.
She took a sip, and closed her eyes for a moment.  She wasn't sure if she should talk to Dr. Smith, or go back to her world.  She heard Dr. Smith gently say, "Liz, I would like to talk to you.  I hope you don't zone out again on me.  Our talk right now is only for us to get to know each other better.  I want to help you.  Your husband has told me you've had a hard childhood, with your father, and that you were kidnapped and raped repeatedly.  I can't imagine how hard that has been for you to deal with.  I just want to talk to you, and we can talk about anything you want.

She opened her eyes and looked again at Dr. Smith.  She was quiet for a few moments, thinking.  Then, she said, "You know, you look like what the Mother person in my imaginary world would like when she got to be your age.  I've never seen her older then my age, now.  I've only seen her there with me as a child.  I think that makes it easier to talk to you."  She said with a smile.  "I guess I do see Jack as a father figure at times.  He certainly acts like one at times.  I think though, that being a parent to young children..." she paused here, took a deep breath, and then continued, "a young son, makes it hard to turn off the parenting role.  I know there are times I react to Jack more as a Mother than as a wife.  It's hard, especially since I'm home all day with the boys."

"I can understand that.  Before you had children, do you remember thinking of Jack as a father figure?"  Dr. Smith stood up as she finished her question, and released her wrists, then walked down and released her ankles.

"Thanks Dr. Smith.  I don't remember thinking of him in that role prior to having the boys.  Tyler.  I think it's come on since I've had him."
As she finished her statement, Jack knocked on the door and gently pushed it open.  "May I come in?"

"Sure, Jack, she woke up a bit ago, and we were talking.  Come in, and sit down."  Dr. Smith gestured to the chair she recently vacated.  "I'm glad you're here, Jack.  I was just about to talk to her about my discharge and transfer plans. I told you we were planning to transfer you to a psychiatric hospital this afternoon.  While you were out, we were going to use an ambulance.  I'll let you and Jack talk privately, but if you want, I can let Jack take you in the car.  You would have time to go home and pack your own bag, and stop at a restaurant if you'd like.  Or, we can transport you in the ambulance, as we originally planned. "

"How long will I be there, Dr. Smith?"

"Well, that all depends on you.  You will start out in the intensive care department, so you'll be under twenty-four-hour surveillance for a bit, until I feel that you are stable.  Then, I'll transfer you to a double room, and you'll have more freedom there.  Once I feel you're ready, I'll discharge."

"Yes, I've been in a psych hospital before.  I know all that.  How long?"  she asked.

"I would say two or three days in the ICU, then two or three weeks in the standard room."

"I need to be home to take care of Tyler."

"Your Mom has been here helping.  She said she could stay as long as needed to take care of him.  Don't worry about that at all."  Jack then smiled at her.  "So, would you like me to drive you?  You could see your Mom, pack your bag and see Tyler.  He's been so worried about you."

"Sure, Jack, that sounds good.  How soon can I leave, Dr. Smith?  When would I need to be there?"

"Well, I'll need to get the paperwork completed, but we could have you out of here by three, it's one now.  Let's give you a few hours to get home, pack, hug your son, get a meal and get there.  Let's say I'll meet you at the hospital around six.  Does that sound OK to you, Jack?"

"Yes, sounds ok, I guess.  We'll see you then."
"Ok, I'll get the paperwork started, and I'll meet you at the hospital.  Jack, I've given you the paperwork about where we'll go, so just go to the admissions desk with her.  Here's my business card."  Dr. Smith wrote something on the back, "And, my number in case you need me."

Jack looked at the back and read the note from Dr. Smith.  It read, 'If she threatens anyone, or refuses to come to the hospital, call me and I'll get the police involved to pick her up and deliver her.'  Jack looked at Dr. Smith and nodded briefly.  She didn't notice this exchange because she was sipping her water, and trying to slip back to her world.