Jokes and Funny Texts

One-liners

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Saw some footage of polar bears drinking water today. It's obviously fake, everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola.

Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention morons.

If I die in my sleep, at least I can actually say that I died doing what I loved.

Dear rappers, please stop putting sirens in your songs. When I'm driving, it scares the crap out of me.

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

I farted in the Apple store and everyone yelled at me. It's not my fault they don't have Windows!

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

You spend the first 2 years of a child's life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of credit card payments.