When She Falls (She Falls Hard)

Ch. 1 - Don't look at me like that

My mother always told me that college is so much better than high school. When I made the announcement that I truly would be furthering my education, she basically lectured me on the thought. Make friends, she said. It'll be fun, she said. But as I stand before the bleak and menacing brick building I'm thinking it will be anything but fun.

People who say college is the best four years of their life are crazy.

Maybe I don't really need to do this, I think to myself. An entirely foreign place full of obnoxious adults with homework and noise? It's like high school all over again. But with more stupid men. Though, I guess the whole 'nobody knowing you' and 'starting anew' is pretty good. You can only start over once. So if I plan on going through with this I have to do it right.

I walk through the double doors - after a lengthy self-pep talk and pace in front of the building - but immediately stop where I am. That pep talk was absolutely useless. Thoughts of turning back flood my mind. I'm not cut out for this... This place will chew me up and spit me out a worse off version than I am now... I'll never fit in... What if get attached again...? I'm filled with sick dread and doubt.

My hands clench into fists. I feel my core tighten with anxiety and get that weird feeling in my chest. I try to take a deep breath, but it comes out shaky. In a last-ditch effort to figure out the jumbled mess in my head I groan and run my hands through my hair. Then I begin pacing again.

It isn’t long before I start debating with myself on the situation.

“College isn't really my thing, I can just turn around right now and head back to my apartment, live out the rest of my days with my cat, JJ, and survive on ramen. My job isn't too terrible and without college I won't have to worry about any of that money going to something other than what I want.”

My pace quickens.

“But on the other hand, a college education is a really good thing to have… If I want a decent paying job and to make more than twenty-thousand a year I’m going to need something else. I do want a career for myself, after all.”

By this time I am completely immersed in the ‘me and I’ conversation. My shoulders are hunched forward and I’ve got the knuckle of my thumb in my mouth.

Still pacing.

Dark hair streaming over my face, I couldn’t see the boy walking down the opposite hall.

“Hey, what are you doing?” he calls. I jump, head shooting up. It’s only then that I realize that I had been mumbling aloud the whole time. Oh, God, I was talking to myself… He totally heard me! I’m completely thankful for the hair still in my face, otherwise he would be able to see how red my face is.

Trying to right the sudden messiness of my hair, I manage to stammer out the reason I’m here. Luckily he’s good at interpreting moronic sputter, and laughs it off.

“It’s okay, everyone gets nervous at this part. Follow me.” He gestures down the hall with a smile.

“Thanks,” I say, biting my lip to hold back a blush.

---

I push a strand of hair behind my ears for the millionth time and sneak another glance at person beside me. He has a really nice smile… And his eyes are really pretty. I’ve never seen a blue like that before, I think to myself warmly. He looks over and mine dart to the floor.

I hear him chuckle. “It’s still summer, so there aren’t many students here. Most don’t come back until a day or two before classes actually start. And the others live off campus. Since it’s a fairly small campus, with a majority of the town’s apartments close by, not many actually stay here during the school year. So if you were worried about meeting up with people you’re in luck.”

He spoke so cooly, completely dismissing my own awkwardness. It makes me feel a little better.

Again he chuckles, saying, “Well, except that you really did meet up with someone. Sorry if you wanted to go unnoticed.”

He looks over and shrugs his shoulders. “I’m only back so early because I wanted to leave the house. Just gotta get away from the ‘rents, you know?” I nod, not knowing what else to say.

He exhales deeply through his nose and shoves his hands in his pockets.

I fiddle with the locket around my neck as a heavy silence settles around us. If I wasn’t uncomfortable then, I certainly am now.

After a long moment - filled with a tiny cough or two and lots of looking back and forth between us - I open my mouth to say something. But the guy beats me to it, saying that we’ve arrived.

I lift my head to the words MAIN OFFICE. Then I turn to see a grin pull at one side of the boy’s mouth.

“Just go right in and that lady right there should be able to help you.” He points to an aged woman sitting behind a large desk. When he looks again at me I notice his smile hasn’t faded - and that he’s locked a gaze with my eyes.

I nod and show a wavering smile back. Please don’t look at me like that. An invisible shiver goes down my spine.

A very long second passes. Then he begins, “Can’t wait to have you start here. Maybe I’ll see you around campus.” It sounded like a question, but I don’t think an answer is necessary.

The boy starts to walk away, but before getting halfway down the hall says over his shoulder, “Your eyes are very beautiful. I’ve never seen a shade of grey like that before.”

And with that he left me to walk into the office, face ablaze.