Ripples in an Obsidian Sky

Stained

Bloodstained.

Sorrow stained.

Guilt stained.

Feeling so dirty.

So full of shame and regret.

Can I ever break this addiction slowly sending me toward Death?

I cry out, "Unclean! Unclean!"

Just like the Lepers of old.

Don't touch me.

Don't touch or you'll be stained like me.

Broken mind.

Broken body.

Broken resolve.

How can I ever truly be free?

So many solutions.

None of them remain for long.

Guilt and yearning spin around my heart like the Spider's glistening web.

Oh. How I hate and love all the pretty little lies in my brain.

Truth whispers in my ear, urging me to keep my chin up.

But I feel so weak. So used to the fake comfort of Treacherous thoughts.

So many others have it so much worse than I!

So selfish!

So greedy!

So foolish!

Screaming for help inside my head.

Bloody mindset leading me to the Land of the Dead.

Unlovable.

Unworthy.

Unwanted.

Unforgivable.

I know what I should do.

Know what I should say.

But how can I speak when I barely believe any of it about myself?

How can I act it out when in secret I cry over my shattered yearnings.

Head Knowledge versus Heart Knowledge.

Battlefield within the Human Spirit.

If the Batte is won, why do I feel like I've lost?

Fight, fight, fight!

Flee, flee, flee!

Hide, hide, hide!

Reveal, reveal, reveal!

I speak up, though every instinct roars at me to shut up.

Why can't I let my bleeding heart mend?

Why must I shred myself apart when I know the end result is agony?

I keep quiet, though every instinct roars at me to speak up.

Oh God! What must you think of me?

Can you see how tattered my heart truly is?

So weak. So scared. So angry. So sorry.

So sorry.

So sorry.

So sorry.

I wish I could say I were strong enough to resist.

Smart enough to ignore it.

Brave enough to believe I may not always be alone.

Pure enough for another to long for in ways that will banish these jagged lies.

Reflections of my turmoil reside everywhere.

All show what I see through the eyes of the critic.

All reveal my silent hatred for myself.

God, how could you ever care about a creature such as me?

But I suppose that is why you are God and I am not.

I can never fathom it and very rarely does it feel like I'll truly believe it.

How could anyone ever want someone like me?

One who deals with so much doubt and lust?

One who sometimes wishes to go beyond Death's Void?

Someone that wishes she were brave enough to lift her head and acknowledge the Truth of the Heart instead of running away from it like it were a demon?

Keep away.

Keep away.

Keep away.

Stay.

Stay.

Stay.

I am stained.

I am weary.

I am afraid.

I am trapped.

Can't see a way out.

Can't find my voice to shout out.

Can't breathe.

Can't stop, please forgive me.

Heal me.

Help me.

Let me see what you see.

Please...

I'm on my last legs.

I'm giving it one last try.

Desperately clawing for a way to escape the demons coaxing me with honeyed words.

Jesus!

Set me free!