Stoned & Crazy: A Bruno Mars Fan-Fiction.

Stoned & Crazy#1: Streakin' and Freakin'

Hope you enjoy this little story. These are all based off conversations I've had with my hooligan bestie @BrunoMarsFan85. So be sure to check out her amazing stories. :) ♥

 

(Bruno's P.O.V: Afternoon)

I slowly open my eyes and look around the sunlit room. Wait...why am I on the couch? How did I get here? And why do I have this really strange feeling that I forgot something? I shrug it off, stand up and stretch. I start to walk to the bedroom, but the mirror in the hall catches my attention. Damn, I look good! I flex my muscles. Who's the man? Who's the fucking man?! Now, what was I doing again? Oh yeah going to the kitchen. I walk into the kitchen and look in the fridge. "OKAY WHO ATE MY CHOCOLATE PUDDING?!"

"Dude, you ate it all you fucking beached whale." Ryan says as he enters the kitchen. "Shut up Mr. Afraid of split ends!" I grab the box of frozen waffles from the freezer. "Split ends are some serious shit bro and it's after 2:30, why are you eating waffles?" I put 4 waffles in the toaster. "Because someone ate all my fucking pudding." I pout. "You're such a baby." Ryan rolls his eyes. Jessica walks into the kitchen and grabs a slim fast from inside the fridge. "Hey babe." I pucker my lips. She scoffs, rejects me and walks back to the bedroom. A few seconds later I hear the door slam in the distance. "Wow, that was intense dude. What'd you do to her?" Ryan asks. "I didn't do anything I swear and what's wrong with this toaster?" Smoke starts to come out of the toaster. "Dammit Bruno!  How many times do I have to tell you, make sure the little dial on the toaster is set to 2 not 5." Ryan yanks out the waffles. "Shit!" "Well maybe I like my waffles extra crispy." I say with pride. Ryan throws away the burned waffles. "Whatever man, you need to figure out what's wrong with your woman." "I don't know what's wrong with her! She's always bitchy like this so I can't even tell if it's Defcon 1 or not." "Well if I were you I wouldn't ask, did you forget an anniversary or something?" "No our anniversary isn't until like...Jul--Augus-tember-anuary. Damn...maybe I did forget our anniversary and maybe that's why I ended up on the couch!." "Nah, you fell asleep watching Titanic." "N-no I didn't, I was watching football!" "There wasn't a game on last night dumb ass." "Shut up sleeps with a bottle of herbal essence!" "Well at least I can reach the top shelf of the closet." Ryan falls out laughing. "Fuck you." I walk out of the kitchen and down the hall to the bedroom. I stand in front of the door. Okay...deep breaths Bruno. All you  gotta do is turn on the Mars charm. I mean everyone loves me! How can they not? I'm Bruno Fucking Mars! I slowly open the door. "Jess?" I look around the room. Nothing. I creep into the room and look under my pillow. Yes! My emergency bag of Doritos! I stuff a handful in my mouth. The door slams and I quickly turn around, while caressing my bag of Doritos. "What the fuck do you want? And why the hell were Doritos under your pillow? No wonder I feel crumbs all time. I told you not to eat in bed!" Jessica yells, while getting closer and closer to my face. "Look, I'm sorry...want a dorito?" I pull one out of the bag and offer it to her. "NO I DON'T WANT A FUCKING DORITO! YOU THINK THAT IS GONNA SOLVE EVERYTHING?" She slaps the dorito out my hand. "AH! YOU'VE GONE MAD WOMAN!" I lunge to the ground and eat the dorito. "That's so gross." She rolls her eyes in disgust.  "The 5 second rule! Anyway, I came to apologize...I'm sorry I forgot about...what I forgot about..." I hesitate. "And what did you forget Bruno?!" She gets in my face. "O-our anniversary?" I stutter. "No! That was 2 months ago, you bought me those nice red bottoms in Paris, and that Louie handbag remember? No, what you forgot is BIGGER than shoes in Paris and Louis Vuitton. YOU FORGOT MY BIRTHDAY!" "OH!...shit...um Happy belated birthday." I give her the bag of Doritos. She slaps them out of my hand. "WILL YOU FORGET ABOUT FUCKING FOOD FOR A SECOND?! Now, Bruno, babe, all these problems could go away. I don't have to get angry at you, you don't have to get angry at me. Just hand me the MasterCard and I'll be on my way and go after those Doritos and I'll never have sex with you again." Fuck. I hate when she throws the no sex card. "Well I don't have the MasterCard...sweetie...seeing as you maxed out my last one." "I KNOW YOU HAVE MORE FUCKING CREDIT CARDS! GIVE THEM TO ME NOW!!!!" She throws herself on top of me. "Ohhhh someone wants the D!" I raise an eyebrow. "No, I don't want your stumpy little dick. I want the credit card. NOW. TELL ME WHERE IT IS!" She slaps me. "AAAAAAH RYAN!" I scream. "DON'T YOU YELL FOR HELP!!! TELL ME WHERE THE MASTER CARD IS!" She slaps me again. "TELL ME WHERE IT IS!" She slaps me again. "It's under geronimo's bed!" I say in fright. "Thanks baby, love you." She kisses my cheek and runs out of the room. "Ow! The fuck just happened?" I reach for the bag of Doritos on the ground. "She won't hurt you anymore." I stuff a huge handful in my mouth. "What the fuck was going on in here? I was rinsing, lathering and repeating." Ryan runs in the room with a towel on his head.  "Mmm mmmm" I mumble. "What?"  "MMM MMMMM MMM!" I mumble louder. "Use your big boy words Bruno." Ryan teases. "She took...my MasterCard...again." I swallow the rest of the chips. "Dude that's harsh, you gotta hide them better." "I kinda told her where it was..." I scratch the back of my head. "Why the fuck would you do that?" "Well I mean...she started slapping me and it hurt Ryan. Apparently, I forgot her birthday. " I frown. "Awww, does Bruno want me to kiss it and make it better? And you do realize her birthday was 6 months ago right? " "Yes...and DAMMIT! The credit card company is definitely not gonna give me another card."  I sigh. "Dude I've got a way to make your all troubles fade away." "Do you have a big mac stashed somewhere?" Ryan rolls his eyes. "Happiness doesn't always have to come from food or sex." "WHAT ELSE IS THERE?" Ryan shakes his head. "Follow me."  

Evening~

We walk into Ryan's bedroom. I see a couple blunts on the table. "Drugs, really? I'm not gonna do weed with you." "Don't knock it til you try it dude, I mean how do you think I stay so mellow all the time? It's not easy dealing with your shit." Ryan hands me a blunt. "Well love you too. I just...I don't know about this." "Come on, don't be a chicken shit bro. Weed is used for medical purposes too." "Forreals." "Totally man, so lets light it up!" I sit down on his bed. Ryan pulls out a lighter and lights up the blunts. I take a couple puffs. "I don't feel any different." I puff a couple more times. "It's all a state of mind Bruno." Suddenly, everything starts to feel...a lot slower. I feel this sensation of coolness tickle down my spine. This wave a relaxation hits me in the face and I fall off the bed. "Holy shit!" I die laughing. "Dude did you just fall?" "N-no" I say in between laughs. "Ah, I remember my first time." Ryan laughs. "It's so hot in here man." I take off my shirt. "You know what? You're right! It is hot." Ryan also takes off his shirt. "Why were pants created?" I ask. "So that ladies can discreetly stare at our junk." I gasp. "You are so right dude! I'm gonna give the ladies what they want then!" I take off my pants and boxers. "Are you naked? What the hell are you doing?" Ryan shields his eyes. I run into the living room. "I'm looking for Natalie! Bitch stole my money." I laugh. "She doesn't exist Bruno." "Don't tell Jessica but...Natalie was about her." Ryan laughs. "That's so clever bro!" He pats me on the back. I run toward the front door. "Dude! You know what we should do?" I smirk. "What?" "We should streak around the neighborhood! it'll be so funny!" I laugh. "DUDE! That's totally insane. But I'm in." Ryan takes off his boxers and pants. Bruno flings the door open and a cloud of smoke emerges. "AAAAAAAAAAAAH!"I scream as I run into the yard, open the gate and run around. "DUDE YOUR ASS IS SO PALE!" Ryan yells and runs after me. "Oh my goodness!" A women yells in shock as she drives by. "YOU ACT AS IF YOU'VE NEVER SEEN A DICK BEFORE! I KNOW I'M QUITE BIG BUT---" Ryan Interupts. "BRO SHUT UP! IF YOU HAVE TO TALK ABOUT IT IT'S OBVIOUSLY SMALL!" Ryan yells from behind me. "WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY?" "HIGH OR NOT, I AM NOT HAVING THIS CONVERSATION WITH YOU!" I stop running and bend over panting heavily. "Fuck, I'm tired. I should've thought this out more." " We're literally not even 300 ft away from the house." Ryan shakes his head. "Well excuse me for not working out as many times as you!" "Bruno, when have you ever worked out?  And walking to the fridge and back during commercial breaks is not exercise." "Dammit! Yes it is!" I pout. "No it's not. Have you ever heard of a treadmill?" "What?" Ryan smacks his forehead. "Carry me." I beg. "Fuck no!"  "Come on please! It's pretty dark so nobody would see us." I stick out my lower lip. "Come on dude not the lower lip...." Ryan hesitates. "FINE! Hurry up." I jump on Ryan's back. "Damn, you're heavy." He struggles. "Shut up, I'm not that heavy...can we stop for taco bell?"  "Do I look like a fucking car? We've gotta get back to the house. It's getting dark. We can order a pizza, okay?" Ryan starts walking back to the house. "Alright! As long as we can order pineapple pizza." "You know I hate that shit. Ever since Jessica's pineapple upside down cake, I'll never look at a pineapple the same again." Ryan shivers. "Oh come on it wasn't that bad." "Well not to you, because you'll eat anything." "No! I won't eat anything." "Bruno, I saw you eating Geronimo's food once." "IT WAS 1 LITTLE KIBBLE! I just wanted to know what it tasted like. Geez!" "Whatever you say man." We stop in front of the gate. I jump off Ryan's back. "Okay Bruno do you have the key?" I hesitate. "Uh...I...Um." "YOU DON'T HAVE THE FUCKING KEY!? WHAT THE HELL MAN?!" Ryan yells. "YOU DON'T HAVE THE KEY EITHER! And where would you like me to keep it ,in my ass?" "Why don't you hide it in the matted Afro of yours." Ryan shoves me. "NOBODY TALKS ABOUT THE FRO!" I shove Ryan back. "You're such a idiot!" Ryan punches me. "Ow!" I grab Ryan's hair and start pulling. "LET GO OF MY HAIR!" Ryan angrily grabs my hair and starts pulling. "YOU LET GO OF MINE FIRST!" I keep a hold on his hair with one hand and punch him in the stomach with the other one. Bright headlights flash on the 2 of us and someone gets out of their car. "Shit man it's the police!" Ryan whispers. "No it's not! It's---" Jessica Int erupts. "What the fuck is going on here? You know what...I don't even wanna know. I always figured you guys were gay anyway." Jessica  pushes open the gates and walks in the house. "So you're telling me you could've just pushed open the gate? Who's the idiot now RYAN?!" "You still are." Ryan walks back into the house. "AM NOT!" I run after Ryan.