Moon dust ; Poems And Words

I'm drowning

I want to be enough for you, all my life I was told I was worthless.  But not anymore, I now know my worth.
I used to let people take advantage of me,  let them hurt me. You see my old relationships were all abusive, physically and mentally. I don't want your pity, because if I didn't go through what I did I wouldn't be the person I am today.  I used to think I was damaged goods, that I would never be happy. But I no longer let my happiness depend on people,  I don't let anyone get me down because I know for a fact that half the bitches that talk shit couldn't handle what I've been through. They wouldn't last point blank period,  I don't mean to be rude but it's how I feel,  i've been through hell and back with the only person I could rely on was myself.  There was times when I would feel like my friends didn't even like me, I felt like my presence just bothered them. Maybe it was the anxiety talking,  like when I went somewhere I felt like everyone is talking about me but in reality it was just me being paranoid.  You ever have your own brain bring you down? Telling you that you're disgusting that nobody would ever want you.  So you distance yourself from everyone and everything,  it sucks honestly, it's like you can't even count on anyone not even your own shadow because even in the dark you're shadow leaves you. I have trouble talking about my feelings and I feel like when I do it doesn't mean shit.  So I stay quiet and keep shit to myself even if the pain is eating away at me.  It's something I can live with, I have high walls surrounding my heart protecting me,  and I never get to attached because everyone leaves in the end.  Doesn't matter what,  shit just never works out for me and I understand I'm not an easy person.
I think what hurts the most is when you get used to someone and you thought you'd know them forever,  when you talk so highly about someone and they end up disappointing you. I learned to never get my hopes up about anything, not to expect anything from my significant other,  because it hurts,  it hurts when you get your hopes up about them and then they show you why your better off alone. I think that's what scares me the most..  Getting used to someone being there and then one day they disappear,  they disappear and replace you like it's nothing. I learned not to get attached and to never believe words, I believe actions and here's the thing I don't trust easily,  because I know what it's like to get fucked over, to tell someone something about you then they use it against you, or when you let someone in and they end up like the rest.
My demons are so loud in my head I'm drowning and there's nobody to save me.

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