How I Met My Mother

Rehab

By the time we had moved, I was coping with my internal issues with every bad thing you could think of. I was sticking my nose in places it didn't belong, and I was discovering the numbing effects sex can have on you. 

I think by now, dear reader, you've learned that I'm graphic(ish), so I'll just say this bluntly. 

I was touching myself while I texted cute boys who were essentially total strangers. Later in my life, I'd begin to find strangers to hook up with, which I'm not proud of. 

There are going to be a lot of things I'm not proud of in this little book of mine, and that's okay. The truth isn't always meant to be some beautiful fairy tale.

We were living in my grandmother's old home, otherwise, I think we very well could have been homeless but I'm not 100% sure about that. 

You'd think this would be a wonderful thing, but nothing is ever truly free. 

Anyway, I believe I was starting high school when I moved back to my old town(the one I moved to after living with my father) and I was excited about it. 

-FLASHBACK-

This brings me to a side story I forgot from before I moved away from the farm. 

I remember that I was doing well- showing interest in volleyball, being actively on the swim team and attending meets, and doing okay for a new competitive swimmer if I do say so myself. Around this time, however, I think I was struggling with self-harm desires towards the end of my time on the swim team. Things were so great at first, and what sucks is it was bringing my father and me closer together and I can't help but to feel I messed that up. 

I was reaching out to some of the other girls about it, yes I was seeking attention, and she went and told a teacher or some bullshit like that. I understand she probably did the right thing but the principal talked to me with such disgust and told me something along the lines of I need to 'take care of my mental afflictions and take some time off swimming'. 

I fought that, of course, but I don't think the girls wanted me on the team anymore. The next day, I was blamed for someone's panties being on the opposite end of the room from their locker. I was blamed for it because I was the only openly bisexual (at the time) person there. 

I was kicked off, needless to say. This also reminds me I was briefly a cheerleader in elementary school! Nothing bad happened there though.

-END OF FLASHBACK-

 As usual, the calm of the storm was going on right now. I hooked up with someone on a dating site, we dated for a while and I loved the sex. I was around 14, and he was the first person I had no regrets about sleeping with. Hah, we were crazy, we even did it in the cornfield behind my school's football game while the homecoming game was going on. Oh, and it started raining! Haha, sorry Mom, although if you're reading this, well, I wouldn't... anyways, he broke up with me by never talking to me again. 

Whatever. 

About after all this went down, I got into the drama club. During this, my grandmother fell gravely ill and had all kinds of pills in her room and my nose was back to sniffing. 

I think in the back of my mind I was reaching for something that would numb me and I found it, in a tiny white pill that wasn't mine.

I haven't sat down and tried to think about why I did what I did on a deeper level than just a cure for my stage fright but obviously, it goes way deeper than just that. 

You don't just steal pain pills from your possibly-deathly-ill grandmother over some stage fright. 

When it all happened, I felt like I was too busy making amends and trying to find ways to appease my guilt that I forgot about the importance of forgiving oneself. I also was taking pills from my aunt, and she was always one to milk a situation heavy in the limelight. 

I broke down crying in front of her and she didn't even look at me, I mean I understand the levels of my treachery were high but I was so young. Anyway, the day I went to rehab was the last day of the first play I ever had an active part in. Every second up until I got into my aunt's car to go home had been a good one. And then I felt the tension in the car and the abundance of silence. 

I can't remember how the conversation started, something along the lines of pills has come up missing and do I know anything about that? They threw me off guard, and I wasn't able to think of a single thing to cover my ass with because of that. 

I had gotten away with it for a long enough time, too long of a time honestly, that I didn't think this would ever happen. So I was honestly and deeply ashamed and for the first time, aware of what the pills had done to me once the realization hit me that I had to stop taking them. 

What did that mean? 

I was back with thoughts that were so loud I could barely hear them. With that being said, this would make rehab the first go-around of nothing but a social gathering for kids who were mostly just trying to look good for mommy and daddy. 

My memory from these days is blurry so I'm doing my best to tell it as smoothly as I can, bare with me. Around this time, I think something happened at school that caused there to be a school meeting. 

It got out that I wanted to buy drugs from this kid and I was refusing to tell who it was. 

I used the most ridiculous cover-up and recalling this has made me realize I've never told my mother this so, I'm sorry mama. I still can't believe I did this, but I covered it up by saying that the Xanax I had taken was given to me by this girl I don't like. 

Let me add something real quick: I stole that Xanax. 

That's what my mother doesn't know, and I'm very ashamed of it. I haven't spoken of that incident since it happened, and it's liberating to have that off my chest. Back on track, I think this little 'incident' is what would cause me to begin attending rehab high school.