i really feel like everything is effecting my overall performance
i'm not feeling good and i'm feeling really suffocated
like in the end, everything ends in suffocation
my anxiety attacks usually feel hands clamped on my face and back of neck, sucking the air out of my lungs and the soul out of my body
and being closeted is like having a dampener on your rainbow
and all of that really is worsening everything
i think im going to come out soon this year
i've been planning on going to my school counselor and telling her the following:
1) my anxiety has been really tough and i genuinely want more effective ways of handling it because at this point i'm sick of breaking down in tears over pointless things. i usually tell myself that i can suck it up or that it'll go away eventually but really want to shove at it because i'm sick of it.
2) my family situation. i'm fine with the pressures on grades they have on me. i put them on me too but i want to learn how to cope with them healthily instead of obsessing over it and freaking out over things like a-. i also want to tell her that i'm gay (i'm still confused if i'm gay or bi. at this point i really can't with men and i really like women) and how my dad implied that he won't have a gay under his roof.
i just really want a bit of breathing space.
and i lowkey want to grow out my hair to a bob but idk
i hate that people usually connect women with short hair to lesbian
even though i'm living proof of that
i just really love red velvet's joy (like my heart flutters and i get really smiley when i see her)
and she is so cute and i love her short hairstyle
and her smile is so cute like i was to hug the human
for coming out, i have two plans.
1) my cousin is wedding is coming up so when my relatives ask if i have a boyfriend, i'm going to hit them with "i have a girlfriend thank you very much" (i don't have a girlfriend sadly)
2) handing my parents a note telling them i'm gay then running to my car and diving away to school because i'll do that on a school morning so they have a whole day to calm themselves and scream at each other on how they have a gay under their roof before they i come home 7 hours later to whatever they've thought up.
3) not coming out at all and just being gay af
4) waiting until i'm 16 so if i get kicked out, at least i'm mobile and can drive myself to my friend's house and board there. then i might haul myself to canada and go to my aunt's and hopefully start anew there.
