Lena Grey (Remus Lupin love story)

Chapter 4

*Self harm trigger warning*

    After that night, everything is confusing. Are Remus and I together? Did he just want to kiss me once? Why does my heart flutter when I see him? With all this comes a tinge of anger.
Remus still stands by and watches when his friends beat me up and basically torture me. He's known what it's driven me to in the past. He knows how I feel. He comes back a moment after they leave to heal me every time, but I still had to go through it.
One night, I'm alone in the girls' bathroom. Well, I'm alone except for Myrtle. I remember hiding my razor blades last year because nobody comes in here. They now sit on the sink in front of me.
"It's not worth it," Myrtle says quietly. For once, she's not crying. "What do you know Myrtle?" I ask. She frowns, and it shows all across her face. "You're not the only one to get bullied," she says. I shake my head and pick up one of the blades. I remember telling myself that I was stronger than this. I remember telling myself that I didn't need it.
Then I think about the release of the pain. If I don't die, are the cuts really that bad? They help, they really do. It's no worse than the pain the marauders give me is it?
I remember when I researched all of this. It is bad for you physically, but my mental state gets so much clearer. They say it makes depression worse. "It's tricking you by numbing you," a doctor once told me. I roll my eyes and bring the blade down to my skin. Without another thought, I drag it across my skin.
The next evening, I meet Remus in the library. He greets me with a crooked grin. "Hello," he says. "Hey." We dive right into homework even though we laugh while we do it. After it's all finished, we decide to quiz each other for an upcoming exam.
"Okay," Remus says with a sly smile. "For every one you get right, I'll give you a kiss." I feign worry. "Is that what you say to everyone you tutor?" I ask. He laughs. "Just you," he says. He's so close that I can feel his breath on my face.
I kiss him and my textbook falls forgotten on the ground. I wrap my arms around his neck and he wraps his around my waist, pulling me closer on the soft couch. His lips are gentle and soft against mine, and we pull away slowly.
He goes back to the common room soon after, and I follow a few minutes later. When I walk in, who would be sitting in front of the fire but the marauers? "Grey! So happy you're back!" Laughs James. "We were getting so bored." I laugh at him. "I know I'm interesting Potter but you don't have to be obsessed with me."
A look of anger comes across James' face and he nods at Sirius, who sends me flying across the room and onto the floor. It's too late when I've realized that my sleeve has ridden up and my new cuts are showing.
All four marauders freeze, including Remus. He stops mid page turn and just looks at me. "Yeah, take a good look!" I say. "After all, you're the ones who caused it!" James smirks. "Well she's doing my job for me. Want some more cuts?" He sniggers. I shrug and hold out my wrists bravely. "I was just going upstairs anyway," I reply. Remus stands up, looking terrified.
At first, I think I've called James' bluff. When I realize I'm dead wrong, four new cuts have already appeared on my arm. "Now you're doing my job for me," I say, standing up and walking out of the room.
In Myrtle's bathroom, she's on the windowsill while I'm on the floor. We're both crying. The door opens and a very angry Remus Lupin comes in. "You lied! You told me you don't cut anymore!" He says. I shrug. "I didn't when I told you that," I reply. His for softens and he comes towards me.
"Let me heal you," he says. I shake my head quickly. "The pain helps me forget," I say. Then I sigh. "Remus listen, I don't know what we have going on, but it has to stop. I can't do this anymore." He stops. "Len, listen," he says. I shake my head. "I can't," I say, my voice breaking.
I'm quick to figure out that Remus has been what's been making Hogwarts bearable. It's only gotten worse too. The marauders now have something else to make fun of. I hid it for years, but I wanted to dress up in the shirt with the loose sleeves for Remus. Hogwarts sucks.