Where have you been?

Chapter Fourteen

I thought things would get better after that night, but I was wrong. We constantly fought about every little thing, small things that were blown out of portion. It felt like he was trying to push me away, and it was working.

I threw myself into work, finding myself not wanting to be home with him. It was so unnatural for me, I had always wanted to be with him. I knew it was just a matter of time before we were both just done. I didn't know how much longer I could do this with him.

I didn't want to give up, I wanted him back, I wanted him to love me again. He just wouldn't let me close enough to let me show him how amazing we had been together.

When I did go home, he was always leaving with the guys. We barely spoke and I hated how far away he felt now. I knew it was partly my fault, if there was one thing I hated the most, it was fighting with him. I tried to pacify him at first. I mean I couldn't imagine not remembering the last year of my life. His life had changed so much and he still wasn't sure about us. Then it was all I could so to even stay there and try with him.

I just pulled up to the house and saw all the cars parked in front and across the street. This isn't really what I wanted to home to, all the people, all the girls fawning all over him. And I would have to watch and try my hardest not get jealous, even though I always was.

I walked into the house and shut the door, hoping to be able to sneak upstairs without being noticed. But when I walked in and saw some girl and Ronnie wrapped around each other, that was it for me. I slammed the door and threw down my bag, his eyes burning into mine. It was at that point I was done. I couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't sit by and watch as he made a fool of me again when I loved him so fucking much.

I shook my head and walked upstairs. I walked into my room and immediately walked to the closet and pulled down my bags and a suitcase. I had to get out of here. I grabbed whatever I could and packed my bags through blurry eyes. I knew this was probably the end of our marriage, for good this time.

I heard footsteps walking down the hall and stop outside my room. I knew it was him and I continued my packing.

"What are you doing?"

I turned and looked at him. "What does it even matter, Ronnie? You could care less about me or us or my feelings. I'm done." I went back to packing and heard the door click closed and sighed.

"What do you mean you're done, Cassie?"

"Just what it means. I know you don't love me and I know you could care less if I'm here or not." I looked at him and frowned. "The thing is, I love you and I can't keep watching you with them."

He walked closer and folded his arms across his chest, his eyes burning into mine. "You're blowing this out of portion."

"No, I'm not. You have no idea what it feels like to watch you with all these girls all the time. It's like a knife in my heart and you just keep twisting it. I love you so much and I've tried to be understanding. I've given you space, I haven't demanded anything from you concerning our relationship. I haven't bitched at you when you stay out all night with you friends or said a word when I hear you were with some bitch the other night."

"You're jealous, aren't you?" He smirked and slightly laughed.

"I'm very jealous. I want to be with you that way and you won't let me. You don't even try. I thought we were doing better after that night we talked, but I was wrong. So I'll give you what you want."

"And what is it you think I want, Cassie?"

"A divorce. Just like you say every time we fight. So you win, I'm leaving. I'll get it started right away." I hated that tears filled my eyes and spilled over while he was standing there. I hated being so damn weak. I wiped them away as he stood there and looked at me.

"You're just going to give up then? I thought you wanted to be here. Isn't that what you always tell me?"

"I do. But at what expense? We both deserve to be happy, Ronnie, and I'm not. You know, I wish it was as easy for me as it is for you. I wish I could give a shit less about you, like you do about me."

He ran his hands through his hair and shook his head. "I never fucking said I didn't care about you or your feelings."

"No, but you don't show that you do either. Actions speak louder than words. And yours are telling me to get the hell out. So that's what I'm doing." I walked to move around him when he gripped my arm and roughly tugged me close to him.

"I should feel elated that you're leaving, relief even. I don't know why all of sudden all I feel is panic. Why is that?"

I tried to get out of his hold but his grip tightened. "I don't know." We stood there and stared at each other before he moved closer and crashed his lips to mine. I pushed against his chest and he lifted his head but still held onto me. "Stop."

"Why? I thought you wanted to be with me, be my wife. Isn't that what married people do?"

"Well, we're getting a divorce right? So no we don't do that. Let go of me." Still he refused. "What do you want from me? I'm giving you what you want. What you've wanted since you woke up and saw me. We can't live like this, Ronnie. I can't live like this. I want to be with you, more than anything, but I'm willing to step away so you can be happy."

"I'm not sure I want you too." His hand cupped my cheek and his thumb wiped away the tears.

"Then what do you want?" I searched his eyes as my heart started beating wildly.

"I want you to stay here, with me. I never meant to hurt you or make you cry. I just.... it's just hard."

"I know it is. What am I staying for though? Do you even want to try to work on this or not? I can't do the fighting anymore, it's draining, on both of us." He nodded and pulled me closer.

"I want to try. I haven't really been doing that, have I?" I shook my head. "I'm going to change that, Cassie, I promise. You and me from now on."

"I want so much to believe you, Ronnie. I just
don't think that's what you want. You like the girls here and all the attention you get from them. You're not in that place you were when we wanted to be together. I will always love you, more than anything, but I think it's best if I go."

"I don't. Why have you stayed so long then?" His hands gripped my arms now, squeezing tight.

"I thought maybe you'd remember us. I don't think you ever will and you haven't been willing to even try."

"What if I am now? I don't know why, but the thought of you leaving me, terrifies me, Cassie. Just give me a chance." I could see the honesty in his eyes and I felt my determination to go wavering. The feeling of his hands on me and being so close to him and the fact that he wants me to stay made my heart flutter.

I bit my lip and nodded. "One." He smiled and pulled me closer, engulfing me in his arms. We looked at each other as we both leaned in and pressed our lips together. It was a small but sweet kiss, as we held each other close.

"I just want to know how the hell you're still so beautiful?" I smiled as he tucked my hair behind my ear gently. He kissed me again, my hands wrapping around his shoulders as he lifted me up and wrapped my legs around his waist. I felt the cold wall against my back as our kiss became urgent, our hands trying to touch as much of each other as possible. I could feel myself getting so turned on, all I wanted was him inside me.

"Wait." He shook his head as his lips traveled to my neck, kissing and biting my skin. "Ronnie. Everyone's downstairs." He lifted his head and frowned.

"I'll go get rid of them. You go get in my bed. I'm having you tonight, beautiful." He kissed me again before he let me slide down his body. He swiped his hand down my face and smiled. "Go." I nodded and walked to his room as he went downstairs.

I walked into his room and looked around, not completely sure if this was the right thing to do. I mean, I wanted him. I did every time I looked at him, every time he was close to me. Maybe it would help, maybe it wouldn't. I didn't have time to think about it. He was back in a flash, shutting the door behind him.

I couldn't help the butterflies that started flapping as he walked slowly towards me, as he removed his shirt. "Now," he said as he stopped in front of me. His hands resting on my hips as he pulled me towards him. "Where were we?"