Where have you been?

Chapter Twenty

(Ronnie's POV)

I still remember the day she told she was pregnant. Scared the shit out of me. Not because I wasn't ready or didn't want it, but because I knew the risks involved for her, for us. I smiled as I thought about the flowers and the present she bought. I still have the onesie tucked away in a drawer after Joshua was too big to wear it anymore. I've never been a sentimental person, but I'll keep that till the day I die.

I walked around the house looking at all the pictures. Ones of her and I, ones of her when she was pregnant. I smiled looking at them, remembering every moment with her, how happy and how in love we were.

I smiled as I heard the door open and little feet running toward me. I turned just in time to catch Joshua as he flung himself toward me laughing. I closed my eyes and held him close, just breathing him in. "Thanks for watching him for me last night."

"No problem, he's such a good baby. Takes after his mother." Derek and I both laughed as I set Joshua down. "Are you still going to see her today?"

"Yeah. I mean it is our anniversary. I need to be close to her." I saw the look in his eyes and I hated the sympathy I saw there, the concern.

"Did you ever call that girl from the club? The one that wrote her number on your arm?" I shook my head remembering that awful night. I knew wasn't ready to go out again, but the guys insisted and I didn't want to let them down.

"God no. I'm so not into girls like that anymore. Not after Cassie." Derek nodded.

"You know, I've been meaning to talk to you. We all have really. We're concerned that you're not getting over this. That you're not accepting the fact that she's not coming back. It's not like she moved out Ronnie."

"I know that. I was there, remember. What do you expect me to do, Derek? No will ever compare to her or be good enough for my son."

"I know that. But you need to get out there and start living again. She wouldn't want this for you. She would want you to be happy, to find someone else."

I shook my head. "I'm not ready for that. I don't know if I will ever be. I'm done talking about it. I'm taking Joshua to see her." Just like that, I dismissed him and he left.

I sighed and shook my head. I knew I was pushing everyone away, but I couldn't help it. I would get over it in my own time, in my own way. I picked up Joshua and headed for the car. Buckling him in his car seat, I stopped and kissed his head and smiled at him. "Daddy!" He laughed and grabbed his blanket.

I headed the car in the direction of the mausoleum and turned on the radio. The whole way there, she was all I could think about. The night her water broke and we rushed to the hospital. We were so excited to finally have our baby. He was all she could talk about. She had fallen completely in love with him the moment she learned she was pregnant.

Everything was going normal. Everything seemed fine. When he was born, she cried, she was so happy. She never thought she would have her own child, and she repeatedly thanked me for him. I smiled thinking about it.

While they were focused on Joshua, she weakly called my name. I looked down and noticed all the blood and I knew that wasn't right. The doctor tired to usher me out of the room, but there was no way in hell I would leave her. She bleed out on the same table she gave life in.

Thinking back, I think in that moment, she knew she wasn't going to make it. She said, "Ronnie, I love you so much. The baby, tell him I love him." I saw the moment the life left her eyes and I had never felt so alone.

I admit, it was hard for me to be around Joshua at first. Not because I didn't want him or I blamed him for her death. He just reminded me so much of her. And his eyes, God, his eyes are just like hers. The same bright blue hers were, the same shape. It was like I was looking into her eyes, and it killed me.

The moment I held him though, I knew I had to be strong, for him. I had to push what I was feeling aside and be the father he deserved, the father Cassie said she knew I would be. I had to do it for her. Everything for her, still.

I pulled up outside and shut off the car. I took a deep breath. It was always hard going in there. Sitting in there and knowing she was behind the wall. I use to come here a lot when it first happened. Hell, I practically lived here. Now, I come once every couple weeks. Talk to her, tell her about Joshua or about the band.

Today's special though. It would have been our 13th anniversary. Even though we didnt know for a long time that we were still married, we still counted them.

Joshua and I made our way inside. Stopping at the back wall to run my fingers over her name carved in the wood. "Mommy!" I nodded my head and set him down.

"Hey, baby. Happy anniversary. I brought you your favorite flowers. Pink roses." I set them in the holder and moved the chair. I sat down and looked around. "I know you're not really here. I know that. But I feel close to you here. I'm sure you're thinking that I went overboard with this place, but you know I only give you the best." I smiled sadly as I closed my eyes.

"Cassie. I miss you so much. Can't you just come back to me? Please? I don't know how do this without you." I heard footsteps behind me and saw Michael walking towards us.

"Seems to me you're doing a really good job though. She'd be proud of you." I shook my head and looked back at the wall.

"How did you know we'd be here?" I heard hm stop next to me.

"I know what day it is. I knew you'd want to be with her."

"Do you think I need to start moving on from her too? Is that why you're here?"

He shook his head and placed more pink roses in the holder. "No. I loved her too. Maybe not the way you did. But I did love her, in a brotherly way. The way she could put you in check, anyone would love her after that." I chuckled and nodded.

"Yeah, and she did.... a lot"

"I think in your own time, in your way, you'll be able to move on. I know you'll never stop loving her, she knows that too. But you'll be able to maybe be open to someone else."

"It still pisses me off that we everything right, everything they recommend, we did and this happened." I said angerly as I pointed to her name. "Why couldn't I just tell her no, Michael? Why did I ever let her talk me into it? How will that little boy ever know how wonderful his mother was or what she went through for him?"

"Ronnie. You wanted her to be happy and having a baby was what was going to make her happiest. You would never deny her that, ever. He will know how wonderful she was because we will all tell him. He'll know. I promise. I'll take Josh and let you be alone with her." I nodded and waited till he left.

"Cassie. I have to try to get over you, sweetheart. I have to stop dreaming that you'll walk through the door any minute, because I know you won't. I need to know that you're ok with that." I leaned my head in my hands and shut my eyes tightly. I felt a cool breeze run through me and I looked up. The flowers were shaking and there wasn't any air or breeze coming from anywhere. Maybe it seems strange, but I knew it was her moving them. I felt her there, and I haven't felt her near me since before she died.

I knew then, she knew I what I needed and I felt a sense of peace wash over me. I knew I would never be completely over her. How do you stop loving the love of your life? You don't. But at least now I knew she was ok with me moving forward.

I blew her a kiss and told her I loved her before turning and walking outside. I could hear Joshua laughing and I smiled. "Thank you for him." I told her as I looked up at the sky. I could have sworn I heard "you're welcome" coming from behind me, but I didn't look back. No, I looked forward, toward my son. Toward my future.

The end.