MISOPHONIA - HATRED OF SOUND

Four

It was never done with the intention to harm anyone in any way and I know there will never really be any way to make up for it.

I won't make excuses as I know what I've done is wrong, but I am truly sorry and even if this is never read, I hope you can all forgive me. I can only hope that in the near future, there will be research and studies performed about misophonia and misokinesia so that I can actually tell someone about my problems and they will believe me that it is an actual psychiatric disorder.

I once heard a quote, on a TV programme of all things that said "Nisi credideritis, non intelligentis" (Unless you believe, you will not understand. I know it was relating to religious beliefs but it spoke to me and I actually continued to research the quote to find out if it was legitimate, and it was.

Unless people choose to believe that I am not making this up, they will never begin to understand that it happens or what it feels like. To be honest, I wouldn't want anyone to know what this feels like every day, even though I wish that I had someone I could relate to.

To be honest, I don't think I'll ever fully accept this but I really am trying. I made the decision to properly tell one of my best friends about it and it was such a relief, I actually cried. Stupid as that is.

I know she'll never fully understand it and she admitted that much; I get that. I really do because it's hard to understand something that you have never experienced. I'm glad I did but it's different to think about telling my family.

I can imagine that they wouldn't initially believe me and then mother would probably feel guilty or something stupid, even though she shouldn't.

She'd tell my aunt, who would proceed to tell my uncle and my cousins; they'd probably mock me behind my back and say that it's stupid and I'm making it up. They would act differently towards me, even if they tried to maintain the outward appearance that they didn't care. I really don't think I could cope with that.

I know I need help with this.

I just don't want to be told all the steps to manage my anger. I want a cure. I recently had a job that I dread of ever experiencing again.

There's only one person in the office who is an absolute pig when she's eating. She's always slurping, gulping, glugging, swallowing, excessively rubbing rough hands together every time she touches food. Invest in some hand cream, please. 

Thing is, I don't usually mind this person, she's pretty decent but this feeling completely overwhelms me; for a time it will change my opinion of and feelings towards this person until I can get away.

Even thinking about it now is bringing up those awful reactions so I have to try and focus on something else while explaining what the situation was like.

Another thing is that I never have thoughts like this otherwise.

I am someone who loves to eat!

So this thing, disorder, whatever really is getting out of hand.  I know I need to do something before it ruins my life.  I just don't know how.