Further Up & Further In

Flowers For Her Grave: Chapter 5

They were meant to have dinner the evening before Eustace and Jill were to go back to school, but Susan cancelled. Or rather, she refused. She would've liked to have gone, just to visit with the people she loved, and she very nearly had. But even without them saying, she knew the evening wasn't really about that. It was about the so-called "friends of Narnia," and Susan would not be a part of it.

Instead she stayed home. She drew herself a bath, and finished up a book she'd been putting off reading, and made herself a nice dinner, and washed up the dishes afterwards. It was a perfectly ordinary day.

It was still summer, so the sun would not be going down until late, making the day long and warm. Days like this, Susan hated living in the city. She yearned for cleaner air, bluer skies, and greener grass... like the Professor's old house, she told herself. Like his big house in the country, and no wilder than that. Where the stars were brighter - not different like she kept thinking they were. Oh, she missed that house. She missed her brothers and sister. She missed the way they used to play together... But it was a warm summer evening, and it was a lovely time to be alone, too.

Susan settled herself down to write a letter to one of her friends who was travelling, and let the sun lower itself in the sky. It wasn't too late when she heard the car pull up; the world was still bright, save for the shadows of the buildings, and soon there were footsteps on the stairs, and then loud knocking on her door. As she considered answering it, Susan heard the lock being turned, and enthusiastic steps rushing in.

A voice called her name, and she looked up from where she sat at the small writing desk in her bedroom. Lucy's shining face appeared in the doorway.

"Susan, you won't believe what's happened!"

"Calm down, Lu," Susan laughed. "Come and sit. I'll make some tea."

"No! There's no time! Oh, Susan it was utterly fantastic!" Lucy paced the floor in excitement, and began recounting her experience with wild gestures. "We were all at dinner when this man appeared. He looked like a ghost, and we were all thinking the same thing, when Peter addressed him-"

It only took a moment for Susan to realize her tale was about Narnia, and as she did, she stopped hearing a word Lucy said. "Lucy, stop."

"What do you mean? How could I stop? Susan, it was wonderful! I told Edmund we had to come tell you right away, because now that we've seen it again... well, there's no way you can't believe it now! Call Aunt Polly, or Professor Kirke. They'll tell you exactly what I did!"

Susan bit the inside of her cheeks, trying to ward off the anger she felt simmering in her veins. Her jaw tight, she weighed the words, and finally said, "I don't believe, Lucy."

Lucy stopped her pacing, and turned to her sister with wide eyes. "You can't possibly mean that."

Susan's words were short and measured. "I have told you a hundred times. I have told Edmund. I have told Peter. There is no Narnia. I won't believe in Narnia. I won't play your games or entertain your stories." Her voice raised slightly, and she tried to bring it back down as she said, "We are not children any longer, and we never were those kings and queens."

Lucy's face grew red. "How can you say that?"

All at once, Susan's grace vanished. "We can't do this every time! You ask me to come for dinner, but all you really want is to play and imagine. You shove your bible in my face and tell me it is just like some other person or thing that happened. You beg me to remember, but there is nothing there! Lucy, we can't have found a land in a wardrobe, and you can't fall through a picture frame into the ocean. Ghosts don't appear at dinner, and animals don't go around establishing monarchies, and trees don't dance, and lions-" There was a pain in her stomach as she said the last word, and so she paused and took a deep, calming breath. "It's a lovely story, Lu, but that's all it is, and all it can ever be. I won't be a part of it, and it's about time you grew up, too."