dear diary,
is that how you start this? i feel stupid writing that, nevermind that. pretend that i don't sound like a 10 year old girl. amelia told me it'd be good to get my feelings out. pretty sure she meant talking with other people, but i've seen her write in her little black book. maybe it's her diary. i thought i'd try it out.
it's odd to me how you can go from being someone's everything to meaning nothing to them. i feel like screaming. i think i could scream louder than anyone else. i feel like punching something, someone. i'm sorry, this is anticlimactic. it just feels good to get it out.
i'm so angry, at everyone and everything. not only do i let myself down, people always let me down. i know i fucked up, i'm not blind to my mistakes. i shouldn't have left without telling anyone, i shouldn't have came back only to leave the next morning before everyone woke up. i can't go back in time and make myself stay there through that presentation. i couldn't handle it. i don't know exactly why i'm writing this down, when i'm the only one who's going to read this. i used to have vince to tell these things to, not anymore obviously.
i used someone's phone, i can't remember who's. i was so fucked up. coming down from my high in the worst way possible after the fight with topher wasn't helping anything. maybe he beat the sense out of me. why did i tell vince those things. why did i kiss him? i wish he was here with me. nobody wants me. topher and i aren't on speaking terms after i told him that i loved vince, i guess that makes sense. when i first found out his feelings, i didn't believe it. who would want me, anyways? as time grew i had no choice but it trust him. it felt really good, at first. knowing someone could feel that way towards me. i guess i basked in it. it made me feel wanted. our fights had made me feel wanted, because if he's angry enough at me to hit me, then make it up to me, that means he cares, right?
amelia is preoccupied with other things, or people, but it's not like i expected her to be there for me, she doesn't seem very interested in me. casey and mandy are gone somewhere in california. isn't it weird how after the fight with vince, casey was one of the first people i thought of to tell? not like we're friends or anything, the kid is fucking dumb, but he can be useful when needed.
maybe i'm just getting desperate, grabbing for any human interaction. i want something normal. i've been thinking about what it would like to be normal, but what is normal anymore? like, 30 years ago. what was life like? it had to be nicer without all this gang related bullshit. i wish i could get out of it, run away for good but i wouldn't last long. a person without a job or a place, what are they? if i were to leave again, this time for good i wouldn't have anyone. not like i have a very big selection right now.
